I had gone to the beach with my 5 year old niece. Yup, those were the days I was possessed by the fitness bhoot till the real me took over again, but that’s another story. Anyway, there I was doing my runs while my niece made sand castles with the help of her toys. 45 minutes into the run and then I decided it was time to retire. As I walked up to my niece I noticed a couple of tiny toddies helping her build the sandy caricatures.

They were just regular kids… sharing toys, giggling at each other’s silliness, looking proudly at the sight of their handmade monument. But for some reason I didn’t notice them just as that. To me the only bit that was very visible was – These kids are Muslims – And they are playing with my niece.

Yes better sense did prevail and I did let the kids play to their hearts content. But for many days I was not able to rid myself of the guilt for thinking something so irrelevant. Had those kids been of any other faith, would have even noticed or given a crap?

Cut to the movie…

As part of the elitist group of movie goers (the self appointed ones, mind you), most often I would crib over the fact that our popular productions houses & directors lacked balls of steel when it came to experimentation. Thinking out of the box was hard, sticking to tried & tested formula came but so naturally. And Mr. Karan Johar was no exception.

He made big budgeted, highly diabetic candy floss films and as professional sugar addicts we licked it all up time and time again. That is till Kabhi Alvida Na Kehana happened.

My Name Is Khan is bundled with flaws; be it where airlines don’t reimburse a passenger unnecessarily detained by immigration officials or the so not needed Bollywood clichés or the lead protagonist’s trademark stammering.

But, for me, you see the movie began and ended every time Rizwan Khan uttered “My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist”. The sincerity was crystal clear right there and then. Not all fingers are the same and rightly, not all Muslims are terrorists. A fact we all are aware of. And yet a fact so easily forgotten. Therefore I am glad Karan Johar made this film.

But then again, I’d rather have him selling candy floss.

And therefore movie review Twitter ishstyle. But promise not to make this a regular habit.

Watching What’s Your Rashee? Can’t believe this freaking crap is houseful. #wyr

Harman had clean chest in movie 1. And now hairy growth everywhere. I am feeling displaced. #wyr

Gawd the Aries chick is UGH! Would reject fast fast #wyr

Ever noticed Priyanka has wrinkled neck. But I guess not many go beyond the legs or max to max flat tummy. #wyr

With the Aquarian chick it feels more like clash of accents. And yes Harman can’t act. #wyr

News Flash : 20 mins into the movie. Mum sleeping. #wyr

Okay so I’d marry the Aquarian chick just for her car. Its a beamer. That too 6 series people! #wyr

Shit. Rejecting Aqurian girl. Its not her’s but her mama’s car. #wyr

Wish I had a nanaji like Jogesh’s. Acrding to his logic; I wud hve seen Sallu in all 12 guys I have met via the arnged route. Damn you nana! #wyr

Gemini chick rejected. Too short skirt, low low cleaveage. 3 inch heels. Pink lipstick. Frizzy hair. Way too mod no? #wyr

So why the ffing is Harman wearing full sleeves shirts and sweatshirts in this heated bombay wheather. Bitten by AB Baby syndrome.#wyr

Am pissed. Don’t know more at whom. 300 bucks tickets. Watching sleeping mother or watching this junk for a film.#wyr

Okay don’t get this bit. Shaved hands but not chest. This is seriously disturbing. #wyr

Cancerian chick looks straight out of RVGs horror flick. Be afraid. Very afraid. #wyr

So Cancerian chick is not a virgin. I see no issue. Cause Yogesh don’t seem to getting laid sorts. So balances out no?! #wyr

Libran woman is a lezzie. A hot one. Joyesh no chance dude. #wyr

I like it when the camera gets very close to Baweja’s face. Makes it blur. Give Hrthik Roshan feeling. Makes it bearable. The movie i.e.#wyr

As a side note. I believe the best I’m a virgin line has been said by Preity Zinta in Dil Se. Awesomeness. #wyr

Okay so I think the Libran chick has hots on the Aqurian chick. Or am I digressing? #Wyr

Piceasian baby looks like ugly version of Aishwariya Rai. Wow Harman sad one of Hrthik. Which makes this sad one of Boom. Or Soojha Bandar.

Gawd another song. This makes Rajshree’s Hum Saath Saath Hain so so so Oscar worthy. #wyr

A theory. Ashuthosh made balti balti bhar ke money from his previous films. Now wants to dispose money to evade taxation or underworld. #wyr

Thankfully Interval is here. And yes Mum is awake for Caramel Popcorn. Sad bit its a small one. Will sleep shortly. #wyr

Oooooo oooo meri Bebo. Me so gonna waste my money on this crap shit. But still end up laughing. Govinda rocks. #doknotdisturb

Leo is here. Leo is here. Me likes Leo. So what she looks moojra types. Me still likes. But will Yogesh Bhai? #wyr

For a moment there I thought the Leo chick asked the dude – You (y)gaysh? Anyway my mum think Terrance is Gay. I find him Hawt! #wyr

I loved the Leo chicklet. She whipped the NRI’s flat arse. Good she walked out on him. #wyr

Horny. Horny. Is this Nandini uff Scorpio. So wanna be types. #wyr nothing personal Scorpio ladies beat Ashutosh yaar

Wait wait a minute. What do I say a glimpse of clean smooth chaati. Yes yes there is God. There is hope after all people. #wyr

Okay this may sound weird but it feels like deja vu types. Like watching Rab Ne Bani De Jodi. On the loops. #wyr

Yaar while tweeting forgot to see the next chick’s star sign. The doctor one. She’s cute. I like her. Yogesh looks like the Swades guy. #wyr

Wow I thought only YSR guys did this. But looks like Ashu too believes in recyling. The doctor chick plot is mini Swades. #wyr

Wow not again. The Taurian chick plot looks like mod day Jodha Akbar. No jokes. #wyr

The Taurian girl is demented. Run. If I were (y)gash. #wyr

The hair is bak. Nahiiiiii. #wyr

Su che su che su che maan maa su che. Okay fine. This movie is stinker. #wyr

Saggie is here. Saggie is here. #wyr

Want to sue Mr Ashu.He make Sag slut like.Okay so maybe weee bit we are but we hve somthing called taste. And Yogesh aint tasty as all. #wyr

So it looks like some fart face complained to Ashutosh about my Rashi slashing. Bloody BB service went down.#wyr

Anyway the last chick, Capri was underage and our Yogesh is not a perve. #wyr

Finally Yogesh gets a girl. Gets married. Funny bit, even he didn’t know what rashee she belonged. Imagine us marela thakela audience. #wyr

On the whole a must avoidable film. #wyr

On the good side mum slept thru the film. Thank God she didn’t watch it or else I wud have ended up as the Dasera non veg dish at home.#wyr

Remember the popular civic speech from schooling days? You know the one which goes something like…”Government is of the people, by the people…”

Director Priyadarshan’s latest venture too follows similar line of thought. To sum it up in simple words, Billu Barber is…of the Shahrukh Khan, by the Shahrukh Khan and for the Shahrukh Khan. I know it sounds silly, really silly but believe this is how silly (and boring to the gut) this film is.

It’s like as if King Khan woke up one morning, thinking “Jee…let’s make a film on…Me”. And then again why the hell not? Matlab, let’s face the reality (my sincere apologies to all SRK fans); the man’s Rahul days are long over and with time the stardom too will fade away. And once the popularity sun sets down what will he be left with? Nothing but a film like Billu Barber.

A film which he could watch (once bed-ridden) and re-live his Superstar days, a trophy to proudly show off in front of grand kids and every time get high from the fact…there was a time people literally came in their pants at the mere mention of my name.

I mean let the truth be told, not everyone is born with Amitabh Bachchan’s kismat. The man is touching 80’s 70′s and still romancing (on screen, of course) women half is age. Fate of his films maybe doubtful but his rock star fate forever is shinning. And the closest Shahrukh can get to this – is the Crorepati chair.

So yeah if you can tolerate 3 hours long Shahrukh Khan self prachaar (even when he is not on the screen) then this film may not entirely disappoint you. Otherwise it’s a complete waste of time, something even the ever-so-talented Irfan Khan can do jack shit about.

Anyway continuing with the story…

On one side, we had the biggies cooling their heels in their very luxurious vanity vans and on the other, some 20 odd extras consisting of men and women in their early 20s sat on plastic chairs, lay on itchy grass under the scorching sun, fanning themselves with (mostly useless) daily tabloids. On enquiring, this is what I found out.

They usually get paid Rs. 500 for a 10 hour shift

They come from all corners of the country

Some, from well-to-do families. Some, leaving successful business behind. And one, just couple of hours before her wedding.

The common factor? High aspirations.

And this scared the shits out of me. Coming from a protected & materialistically sufficient background, the closest I have come to experience the true meaning of a ‘struggle’ is in the dictionary. Honestly, I don’t think I have the balls to survive such struggles, where sincerity and hard work barely hold any weightage and ‘hope’ seems to be only sahara. I spent half the night evaluating the reasons as to why someone would be willing to let go of everything for an acceptance in the ruthless Hindi Film Industry. A profession where the success rate is barely 3 out of 100. Is the glamour bug that infectious? Is the lust for fame so lethal?

Bang! Two days later, Zoya Akhtar (unknowingly of course) somewhat sorted my thoughts with her directorial debut Luck By Chance.

Now Luck By Chance story-wise isn’t hatke. In fact, it’s a mesh of numerous Bollywood stories we read in the Page 3 section or hear from our industry buddies and then pass around as gossip. What makes it stand out though, is its treatment. Cynical, right from the word go. And the best bit is, it stays this way till the very end. Star kids, casting couch, superstar tantrums, helpless scriptwriters, corporate interference, copycat directors, affairs, empty promises, manipulation, envy, crowning glories of the past stuck in their present, the never ending schmoozing; practically everything associated with apna Bollywood is here and brilliantly enacted by the cast.

Konkona Sen, as a struggling actress who is making do with sidey roles and sleeping with the owner of Pinky Productions, hoping to get her big break – is very convincing (as usual); although I felt there was something missing in her character. Maybe more screen time would have helped.

Farhan Akhtar, the other main lead, to me was the only guy who appeared imperfect. Just like the amiable acting class guru corrects his student Vikram Jaisingh (Farhan) during a session, "Good, par tuhmari problem hai ki tum apna character bahut underplay karte ho", I felt that Akhtar Jr. played his on-screen character (a wannabe super star, charming his way to the top, a sly selfish fucker with awesome kismat) a little too delicately for taste.

But the most impressive of the lot; the jolly-cum- helpless at times-cum mostly manipulative producer (Rishi Kapoor), his astrology-inclined trophy wife (Juhi Chawla) and yesteryear diva (Dimple Kapadia), obsessed with her young daughter’s career.

The much hyped super star guest appearances are fun. And Mr. Vivek Oberoi, kindly sack your hairstylist. It stinks.

Dialogues are crisp and full of sarcasm. Excellent picturization of Sapnon Se Bhare Naina. On the whole, a well-made film and therefore a must watch.

And before I end, keeping the cynicism in place – Would it have been possible for debutant Zoya to convince the A-listers for an appearance in her film without her brother’s handy connections?

So there I was gloating on the thought of a dhasu cut-down-to-size sort-ta review of Aditya Chopra’s revival creation but this Rab I tell you had another plan in action.

Now before you remove your chaddis in excitement (hinted only @ SRK fans), I thought RNBDJ was nothing extraordinary or even remotely hatke. In fact it consists of typical Chopra romance mixture – absence of love, intervention of destiny, incorrigible twists, gaana shaana, countless Punjabi twangs, high pitched drama, with finally ending on “sacha pyar winning because God is great” note. In addition I also found twisted glimpses of Bhansali’s Hum Dil Chuke Sanam and unnecessary insertions of Farah Khan style Bollywood jabs.

And yet in spite of this done to death garb, I couldn’t get myself to hate the film.

However I am still cluessless about what exactly appealed to my senses. Maybe it was the cuteness of Surinder Sahni’s pouty lips and the manner in which he held his lunch box. Maybe it was the joy of witnessing simplicity in a heroine for once in a Yash Raj Production. Maybe it was the humour in Raj’s tight clothes and Bobby’s blonde hairstyle. Maybe it was the over usage of the colour yellow. Or maybe it was the momentary belief that Rab does exist and lurvee is the bestest.

But then again there is only so much one can be fooled no?

To put it plainly, RNBDJ could have been a disaster but it miraculously manages to safe itself from such faltu fate. Rab di meharbani as some would say.

Watch it only if you have good tolerance level but in case you are as cynical (as moi) then you are better off sipping thru Dil Kabaddi. After all extra marital affairs, lust, infidelity, betrayal and such like appear trendier in today’s time. Whot say tu?

Definition of Bhehenji – A working woman who hails from a middle class background, wears Indian and the only piece of accessory complementing her clothing are the Gandhian reading glasses. Doesn’t believe in having a social life and it’s a strictly no-no code when it comes to interacting with paraya mards. (Now I am bit confused; do such women even exist today? I was under the impression they were the things of the 70s and 80s.)

Now imagine Mandira Bedi as Bhehenji. Nope, still can’t do.

Bhehenji Turn Modern (BTM) – Introduce a paraya mard in the scene and gone are the days of middle-parting hairstyle and welcome contact lenses.

Matrimonial Websites – A scene where Bhehenji’s bade bhaiya walks into a matrimonial agency and is asked to fill in a ‘suitable prospect’ questionnaire. At this point I had a mini flashback of my own; my brother sitting down with me on the dinner table answering out similar list of questions.

Business background or service? India or Foreign? Fair or Brown? Siblings or no siblings? Parents or dead parents? Grandparents?

Ah! Those were the days.

On a side note. I am quite upset with Mr. Aamir Khan. The man is nicknamed Mr. Perfectionist (with ample proof & backing) but here I find myself cheated as a semi-fan. The reason; well from all the promos, media talk, interviews Aamir had promised us not 6 but sexily toned 8 pack torso in his forthcoming film Ghajini. But to my horror look what I discovered. Only 3 ½.

I want my money back already.

Madhur Bhandarkar’s much awaited reality-based film Fashion released this week and no surprises I happened to watch it First Day First Show. And I liked it. But I didn’t really like it. Comparison wise, I thought it was on the lines of Corporate and far off from the likes of Chandini Bar, Page 3 or even Satta for that matter.

Drugs, sleeping around, homosexuality, plagiarism, arrogance, workings of Indian Media, High Society crap, etc –Bhandarkar has left no stone unturned. However a closer look and you would realize that Fashion neither enlightens nor does it startle us with anything that we don’t already know about the industry.

Dissecting the film a little….

• Casting of actress Kangana Ranaut as emotionally fucked up, alcohol-cum-cocaine dependant supermodel Shonali couldn’t be more apt. The woman excels in enacting such dramatic characters. And yet the most competent of the three (Priyanka Chopra and Mugdha Ghodse) has been given the least screen time (I have seen actors doing guest appearance get a better deal than this, honestly). Why oh why Mr. Director?
• Priyanka Chopra, clearly the meatiest role of her career till date, has given a so-so performance. Barring the last 30-40 odd minutes of the film. A wasted opportunity!

• All homosexual men exhibit feminine qualities. With success has to come arrogance. Only way to the top is by whoring around. Women are dependant on Men. Just few of the many typical Bollywood clichés in the film.
• Mugdha Ghodse is impressive for a first timer.
• The first half drags.
• Personally I love the music of this film however repeating the same tracks a zillion times as background score doesn’t do much good.

Final words – At one point in the film I couldn’t help but compare Bhandarkar to one of those desi-fiction authors who are obsessed with ‘Indian misery’ because this is the only way they know how to sell themselves to the Western audience. Overall, Fashion is a decent one time watch and that’s about it.

Ps – Also happened to watch the other Diwali release, Golmaal Returns. And as expected; the film has no plot, typical slapstick madness, done to death Bollywood jabs and mediocre acting. However in spite of its many pitfalls, I say watch it. Watch it only for Tushar Kapoor. I haven’t laughed this loud and hard in a very long time, by God ki kasam.

Haan haan haan! Maine yeh film dekhi

I watched it for one and only one reason – the song, Tandoori Nights. Why oh why you ask? Blame it on my bubble burst catastrophe or shit happens remedy. But there is no doubt in my mind that this lyrical marvel by all means deserves the designation of PNA aka Punjabi National Anthem.

No jokes here. I am as serious as any hot blooded Punjabi after 5 glassy down. And what makes Tandoori Nights my determined choice, the answer can be spelt out in three words;

Tandoori – referring to Tandoori chicken…obviously

Sharab(i) – meaning Black Label

And Dildar – well…after consuming the lethal combination of chicken and Johnny Boy, we generally become overly dildar either in love or with gaalies and at times both.

On the Karzzzz front, here are some sidey remarks for your reading pleasure:

• Mums are so very naïve. She actually went in for a Himesh Reshammiya starrer (and Satish Kaushik directorial) assuming it to be a decently made flick.
• Some things never change. Urmila Matondkar and her fascination with Angreezi diction.
• Nothing beats the rush of watching a Hindi film in an old fashioned single screen theatre.
• Balcony viewers are such spoilt sports in comparison to Stall viewers
• Scary moment; the thought of Himesh ripping off his body tight tee and flashing his 6 (fl)ab torso.
• Excessive usage of the word “Maa” since the 1980s
• I bet there was something brewing (more than old fashioned friendship) between our hero and his doctor friend.
• Sir Judah (Gulshan Grover) looked like a reject from the sets of Love Story 2050.
• Need to get my hands on Kamini’s anti aging cream, pronto.

Box office fate: Hari Om Hari Om Hari Om Om…jab tak uperwalla meharbaan tab tak Himesh Bhai pehalwaan.

Now let me get this straight – Shah Rukh Khan and family attended the star studded Drona premiere. And I quote, said “My kids and I liked the film a lot”. Dude now this is diplomacy straight out-of-the-box because I watched the very damn film last night and it was downright boring. Okay maybe not that boring, just a wee bit better than…lets say Love Story 2050.

And this is not my opinion alone; we were a group of five four and each one of us felt like we were being zipped through bad versions of Harry Potter coupled with Amar Chitra Katha. Had it not been for the 12 dollars (Rs. 530) shelled out for the ticket and the sheer privilege of being the only ones in a 300 seater cinema hall – believe me you, I would have certainly walked out.

Its not that I am not fond of Abhishek Bachchan, just like apna Hindi film industry I feel this motherly bond towards him irrespective of the fact that he is much older. And I really wished for his Drona to kick oh-look-I-am-so-gorgeous, Krrish’s firmly toned butt. Especially when in Dhoom 2 Abby baby ended up looking like a chaukidar in comparison to Roshan baba’s golden locks, 6 pack torso and jelly-like legs.

But such was not to be.

Goldie Behl’s Drona is a 3 hour drag with never ending narration, typical Bollywood clichés, several production bloopers, below average acting skills and above all amateur graphics (barring a few).

You can have me go on and on…but I shall be kind and restrict myself to Top 3 most annoying Drona facts.

• Every time Drona finds himself failing against the evil magician all he needs to do is; stand stiff, look down for several seconds and then look up with Dharmendra’s kutte main tera khoon pee jaoonga expression plastered all over his face. Just like we hit the refresh button on our screens, and alls well again.
• And what’s up with Piggy Chops. I mean she is looking all fit and fine but why so much dusky mascara on the face? I am guessing the face whitening cream must have worked but only now Priyanka realized that black is the new white in Bollywood (Don’t believe me, ask Bipasha).
• What the f*** is the whole babuji crap?

Final words – Watch it on the big screen ONLY if you are looking for something to thrash.

Keeping with the motto of purchasing all things sexy, here’s another addition to my personal gadget store. And yes, like all others this one has a name too. So without further a due, boys and girls, I present to you Touchy aka The HTC Touch Diamond.

Why Touchy? Simply because it seems very much in-sync with my personal element – of being touchy (emotionally that is, not otherwise….dirty minds I tell ya).

Okay…now with digressing any further, here is the Touchy brief-up.

I had been eyeing this black beauty since June. The only two things keeping me at bay were,

a) The price at which it was being offered on eBay – $650 (unlocked). Too steep considering I bought my iPhone (First Generation) last December for $500 with delivery.

b) iPhone was doing all the jobs, desired and needed.

But if you have a roving eye like mine, investing too much time on a single object is next to impossible and very much against the rules. And so, now with all the time in the world I practically committed 20 hours (overall) on eBay Auctions – and – managed to grab this sexy mama for $520 (unlocked) with delivery in NYC.

So the next very obvious question is whether the month’s of hard earned (and miraculously saved up) PayPal money worth the investment?

Though its too early to answer this since I got the package only this afternoon. However the initial picture is as gorgeous as anticipated – the Diamond is small, sleek and light – in two words, super sexy.

Till the time I get ready with the full-fledged review, I leave you with some pictures of my spanking new baby. So go suckers, burn…burn and burn. 

Ps – Next stop, HTC Touch HD. I know some folks are flipping over the Google Android but seriously guys, in my opinion the handset in appearance is butt ugly.