Bollywood folks….ah! the excitement they bring into ordinary lives. Speaking of which, someone please pray tell me, is that an attempt at strangling her breasts?? I mean stuff her mouth….I get it but the boobs aren’t really that bad?!

[Picture ripped off - Super sexy High Heel Confidential]

The State and Central Governments as always verbally "condemn" such acts of extreme ideologies but fail to put their words in action. While our judicial system continues to work at a snail’s pace; arrests are made for formality and later bails are handed out, just as easily.

The fact of the matter is that this political "goondagardi" is very much a part of our everyday reality along with inefficiency of those responsible for securing the law & order. Your security lies in your own hands because the government..er…gives a rat’ arse about it.

Therefore keeping the above in mind, here’s my plan of action :

Years ago, on my first day at junior college, my older brother gifted me a baseball bat. Not for the sport but for protection. I carried it in my car for almost two years. Did I ever use it? Well, let me just say it came handy in teaching some brothers a lesson in naari respect.

Today, since I am an active member of the "loose women" club, I bought myself a spanking red baseball bat. Along with six cans of Pepper Spray. At home I have urged my sister in law to enroll herself and my 4 year old niece for Karate lessons.

And I advise you to do the same. Set aside some money from your shopping budget, kitty party, weekend outing – instead invest it in a sturdy protection tool(s). You may think I am over reacting, and maybe I am. But don’t they say, desperate times call for desperate measures?

* Important Announcement : Though I am not much of believer in ishq-mohabbat-pyaar, let alone the concept of Valentine’s Day however this year I have decided to mend my cold ways. And to prove this, I am gifting not one but three Pink Chaddis to my dear Valentine, Sri Rama Sene president Pramod Muthalik.

Like me, if you too find Muthalik to be a hottie then do join the Pink Chaddi Campaign. Believe me you lurveeing can’t get better than this, this Valentines.

Last weekend I was invited for a get-together at a close newly-married friend’s house. A little brief-up here before I proceed; B got married last year in November. Because of un-mentionable reasons I was unable to attend his wedding, which took place in New Delhi. Was disappointing, even more so because I was so very looking forward to setting the dance floor on fire with my “Main Talli Ho Gayi” moves. But as they say, shit happens.

Once at B’s apartment, I was introduced to his lovely wife P. And then there were the in-laws. B’s visiting in-laws from Chandigarh. Uncleji with armyness written all over his appearance & auntyji, what can I say…the fried fish cutlets were finger-licking delicious.

Anyhoo, once all those invited had arrived and the mood was set, we began with the usual business. You know; pulling crappy sorts of jokes at the expense of the newlyweds. On the other hand, it was good to see B involve his in-laws in our conversations, because usually the oldies feel out-of-place and therefore prefer to move out of the picture.

So while we were taking healthy jabs at B’s college days, one sirji who was certainly a couple of tonics down mustered up the courage to ask B’s father-in-law – his impression of B, when he met him for the very first time at a club house in Faridabad. Now as expected, uncleji had only good things to say about his one-n-only son-in-law and since this is not a friendship tribute post I won’t bother you guys with detailed scripting of his words. But what had me completely bowled over, was the story uncleji related before ending his thoughts on B.

B was the second boy P was introduced to via the arranged marriage route. The first guy uncleji found as a suitable prospect for his beloved daughter was a Canada settled sardar. An hotelier by profession and a wrestler by looks (as described by P). P spoke to him a couple of times on the phone and wasn’t impressed. However uncleji thought otherwise and asked his daughter to re-think. Finally P decided to confront her dad backed up with all the reasons behind her ‘not-interested’ decision.

Uncleji heard her out and in return only asked one question – What kind of a boy do you have in mind?

P felt relieved but cornered. I mean it’s never easy answering a question as vague as this and topping it all have your future depend on it. Finally the only honest reply P could come up with was “I don’t know papaji. Jo click ho”. And that was that, no counter questioning…no arguing…uncleji understood his daughter’s sentiments, just right.

Unbelievable. I mean seriously bloody hell unbelievable. Why? Well because I too have been asked the very same question by different people (aka. mum, brother, sister, bhuas, masis…) on several occasions (Sakshi Must Marry by 05, 06, 07, 08 family meetups, shaadis and pro-marriage therapy sessions) and every single time I mentioned the word ‘click’…without the minimum pea-sized understanding, I have been only beaten up with counter questions. What clicking? Now what do you mean by clicking? Kindly elaborate? Clicking business is just bukwass, you only looking for excuse, no?

So clearly, for me explaining the term ‘clicking’ to my family is not something as easily understood as an exchange of aloo gobi recipe. And I know of many others in similar shoes, wherein families are simply not satisfied with the ‘clicking’ response.

However hearing Papaji (uncleji) and P’s story is heartwarming. Full of hope at least for some.

[Sent via email : St, boss you are definitely off the Wii Party List.]

Now in order to make you understand the gravity of the situation, I have to dig a little in my past. When I was a kid (okay…stop grinning right now), so yeah as I was saying…when I was kid I was hugely inspired by a tele-series on Doordarshan titled “Udaan”. For those sleeping during this phase – Udaan, was one of the most popular serials on DD in the 1990s. Written and directed by Kavita Choudhary, who also happened to play the lead role of ‘Kalyani Singh’. The story, a typical Bollywood pot-boiler, struggle of a young woman aspiring to be an IPS officer. After several setbacks, Kalyani not only joins the IPS but with her sheer determination and some really ass kicking fight scenes, is given the post of an ASP.

Though Udaan was based on real life account of Kanchan Choudhary (Kavita’s sibling), a couple of plots where lifted from Mrs. Bedi’s days in the IPS. So I was told. Can’t really pin-point as to what clicked in me; maybe it was the in-built feminist instinct, maybe it had to do with Bollywood and beating up the bad guys or maybe it was a mix of both. From there on all I wanted was to be an IPS officer too. And the fascination only grew with time.

Once mum and I were boarding a flight for New Delhi and by luck Mrs. Bedi happened to be on the same plane as us. My mum wasted no time in informing the idol about her tiny fan and her aspirations. Needless to say, I was embarrassed yet the feeling of meeting the Kiran Bedi, in person, lingered on for days.

In my 10^th year in school I won the senior student personality contest (where I was crowned by actress Kimi Katkar…so very amusing every time I have a flashback) all because of my “I want be Kiran Bedi” speech.

And then college happened. With college came in friends, parties, boys, love, more Bollywood and somewhere the dream was lost. However, the fascination and respect for the lady continued to grow.

That is up until now.

As part of its continued endeavor to offer differentiated, bold and innovative programming, STAR PLUS - India’s numero uno general entertainment channel, is proud to bring to its viewers a new real life show ‘Aap Ki Kachehri’, with an opportunity to watch Magsaysay Award winner, Kiran Bedi, deliver justice in a swift and decisive court of Alternate Dispute Redressal.

Aap Ki Kachehri is a medium of timely justice with Kiran Bedi as the arbitrator. It’s a reality show with real people, real cases and real situations with an aim to educate and entertain. Its objectives include getting the affected parties to discuss the issue, look at probable solutions to their problems outside of courts and also to educate others in similar situations. [Link]

In simple words – a rip off of American reality show Judge Judy.

Now why oh why would someone of Mrs. Bedi’s stature get involved in something as commercial and ludicrous as this – completely beats me.

• It’s a freaking reality show. And we all know how manipulative they can get.
• Its Star Plus. The maai-baap of all things crappy with Indian Television.
• The concept is nothing but a mockery of those participating.

Maybe I should file at case in App Ki Kachehri against Mrs. Bedi and Star Plus for bloody hell running a childhood fantasy. Blah.

Speaking of Devdutt, so on dining table we had the hoity-toity dressed known faces and the only one standing out, in his simplicity was our man. Flashing that ever so infectious smile. At one point, our host who couldn’t resist, questioned Devdutt as to how he manages that grin 24/7? And true to his style, he replied “Frustration doesn’t get me too far”…..and people ‘the’ impression was made, signed and sealed.

From thereon I happened to bump into him on several occasions; book launches, monthly magazine parties…house parties (nope I am not bragging about the kind of people I socialize with). Besides the general nitty-gritty, my never ending queries on the topic of Feminism in Indian mythology, we spoke a little on his then upcoming book on one of the most famous and probably the most controversial mythological icon, King Ram.

Personally speaking, I ain’t too fond of this Lord. But then my opinion is very much biased to what happened with his wife, Sita. That’s the feminist in me whom I cannot and will not ignore. There you have it.

Anyway, once I heard the book was out….the curious cat in me picked up the phone and decided to have short tete-a-tete with one of the country’s foremost mythological writers, Dr. Devdutt Pattanaik.

Do you prefer Ram or Krishna?

Both are forms of Vishnu. And Vishnu is God who engages with the world, unlike Shiva who prefers being indifferent. Ram and Krishna are two ways of interacting with two different worlds. Ram upholds rules while Krishna modify rules. Both for dharma. I prefer Ram sometimes and Krishna sometimes. Hindu mythology spoils us for choices.

Did you find anything new while writing the book?

Many new things….like why did Ram break rather than string the bow as he was sked to? And stories of Urmila and Sita I did not know before… Like how Sita saved Ram from a son of Ravan and from a Naga-astra….I learnt of a bank where people deposits books filled with the name of Ram written over and over again…

Tell us the story of Urmila…who is she?

She is the wife of Lakshman and for the story you have to buy the book.

Isn’t Ram too political today?

So???? He has been God for 2000 years. 50 years of politics does not take away his divinity. Why did our ancestors worship him? And why is he the only god to be worshipped as king? These are questions I have tried to answer.

Anything for young people?

All my books are for young people. Young or old, we still do not know the meaning of life or the purpose to life. We construct imaginary answers. We are given imaginary answers. In other words, we live in myth. And that’s what I write about.

What are you writing on now?

My next book explores Calendar art. Then there is the book on Mahabharata….

How do you find the time?

Discipline, sacrifice….and the desire to write at any cost….Simple!

*This list has been compiled by two friends who are completely useless when dealing with matters related to the heart. Therefore cannot/should not be held responsible in case any of the suggested technique(s) backfire.

*The role of the author of this blog was a) eavesdropping b) making points c) publishing.

*We wish you a (heartfelt) quick recovery.

  The Dos and Don’t List :

• Watch re-runs of every/any slapstick comedy you can grab your hand on. Will & Grace, Goodness Gracious Me, Absolutely Fabulous, Mind Your Language, Ulta Pulta and such like come with proven ‘healing’ track record. If the Broadband connection actually serves its purpose at your end of the world, then why not try YouTube.
• Kindly stop spying on the ex on social networking sites. Also block them on your Instant Messengers. Trust me, you never know what harm certain status updates are capable of causing.
• Socialize to the maximum. But be careful, too much of a cry baby you are the further away people will run from you.
• Avoid watching the following genres of films at all cost: Romance, Family Drama, and Romantic Comedy.
• What’s allowed: Horror, Action, American Teenage flicks, Mr. Bean series, Jackie Chan starrers, etc. (Under special circumstances: Porn)
• Similarly, wiping out of all love songs (happy and heartbreak ones) from your iPod list is a must. Trance and Alanis Morsitte usually helps.
• Beat up anyone (even if your best buddy) who thinks their singing the “Aditi“ song will help you clean up the blues. On the other hand send out premium quality abusive emails to the folks behind this God forsaken lyrical crap.

• The act of Flirting is highly recommended. However extreme caution in matters related to S-E-X is advisable.
• Saturday night drinking with friends can do wonders to the glow on your face. But remember: No drink and drive.
• (if applicable) Trips to Godly places ain’t gonna serve the purpose.
• (if applicable) Turning Atheist won’t help either.
• Exercise. Go for long walks. Take your dog, cat….tiny cousins basically anything you can put on a leash.
• (if applicable) Nothing compares to Retail Therapy. So if you have the means, splurge baby splurge.
• Motto to be followed: There may be no man (woman), there may be no love, but by god, there will always be dancing. (Credit : Words of a friend who in turn ripped it off from My Best Friend’s Wedding)

Now if you are as successful as I am in the desi-blogdom (yes modesty seems to be the highest virtue these days) then private advertising offers are a regular feature. Not much moolah but moolah nonetheless.

Anyway what got me by the gigglee nerve was that in the mail the very nice lady mentioned something on the lines of having studied my blog (meaning posts) extensively and thus coming to the conclusion that it was an excellent advertising medium. Excellent advertising medium my ever so sexy (so what if flat) arse.

I mean seriously…if one has read this blog as efficiently as claimed then even a noodle soup doodee would realize that my thoughts are anything but marriage friendly, especially arranged marriage. And if not off the mark, matrimonial sites could be classified as – one of 21^st century’s popular arranged marriage routes.

So much so for extensive research. Maybe for once they should attempt doing the same with their eyes open. On second thoughts though; maybe just maybe they are dabbling with twisted psychology here. You know like telling it to a 6 year old, don’t do this because it’s bad for you but in actuality you do want the kid to take the bait.

Either ways, my reply to the kind lady’s e-mail was positive. Very positive. Why? Because in us Punjabis there is a popular saying “Aati huai Lamxi ko kabhi na nahi kehete”. 

Latest buzz doing rounds – Tarun Mansukhani forthcoming film Dostana starring Abhishek Bachchan, John Abraham, Priyanka Chopra and Shilpa Shetty doing a guest appearance.

Trailers of the film released couple of weeks back basically set the gossips-mills in motion. Reason; Dostana appears to be sprinkled with gayness, with the leading lads pretending to be in-love couple all for the sake of accommodation in Miami city.

But what’s even bigger than the Gay theme is that the film is produced by Dharma Productions (Read: Karan Johar). Seems like Kjo darling decided to take a leap higher from all the gay jokes from his previous film and stitch them together in a 3 hours long feature film.

For his and Shahrukh’s sake, I pray that the film doesn’t turn out to be as tasteless as most of their previous gay adaptations. As first impression, this is what I think:

1. Abhishek Bachchan is looking delicious. Shocking, I know. But really, it looks like Mrs. Bachchan’s company is finally paying off.
2. Jhonny boy, now all the fuss around him beefing up for this film to give the Miami heaty-hotty feel – is so totally wasted. To me he looks like a body builder gone out of shape. Ugh!
3. Priyanka Chopra – Well I am a Lara Dutta fan. So Piggy Chops you ain’t getting my vote, maybe in 2050.

I hope I am wrong here, but something tells me this is going to be another run-of-the-mill stereotypical crap.