I love you Salman. And this is nothing personal!

And therefore movie review Twitter ishstyle. But promise not to make this a regular habit.

Watching What’s Your Rashee? Can’t believe this freaking crap is houseful. #wyr

Harman had clean chest in movie 1. And now hairy growth everywhere. I am feeling displaced. #wyr

Gawd the Aries chick is UGH! Would reject fast fast #wyr

Ever noticed Priyanka has wrinkled neck. But I guess not many go beyond the legs or max to max flat tummy. #wyr

With the Aquarian chick it feels more like clash of accents. And yes Harman can’t act. #wyr

News Flash : 20 mins into the movie. Mum sleeping. #wyr

Okay so I’d marry the Aquarian chick just for her car. Its a beamer. That too 6 series people! #wyr

Shit. Rejecting Aqurian girl. Its not her’s but her mama’s car. #wyr

Wish I had a nanaji like Jogesh’s. Acrding to his logic; I wud hve seen Sallu in all 12 guys I have met via the arnged route. Damn you nana! #wyr

Gemini chick rejected. Too short skirt, low low cleaveage. 3 inch heels. Pink lipstick. Frizzy hair. Way too mod no? #wyr

So why the ffing is Harman wearing full sleeves shirts and sweatshirts in this heated bombay wheather. Bitten by AB Baby syndrome.#wyr

Am pissed. Don’t know more at whom. 300 bucks tickets. Watching sleeping mother or watching this junk for a film.#wyr

Okay don’t get this bit. Shaved hands but not chest. This is seriously disturbing. #wyr

Cancerian chick looks straight out of RVGs horror flick. Be afraid. Very afraid. #wyr

So Cancerian chick is not a virgin. I see no issue. Cause Yogesh don’t seem to getting laid sorts. So balances out no?! #wyr

Libran woman is a lezzie. A hot one. Joyesh no chance dude. #wyr

I like it when the camera gets very close to Baweja’s face. Makes it blur. Give Hrthik Roshan feeling. Makes it bearable. The movie i.e.#wyr

As a side note. I believe the best I’m a virgin line has been said by Preity Zinta in Dil Se. Awesomeness. #wyr

Okay so I think the Libran chick has hots on the Aqurian chick. Or am I digressing? #Wyr

Piceasian baby looks like ugly version of Aishwariya Rai. Wow Harman sad one of Hrthik. Which makes this sad one of Boom. Or Soojha Bandar.

Gawd another song. This makes Rajshree’s Hum Saath Saath Hain so so so Oscar worthy. #wyr

A theory. Ashuthosh made balti balti bhar ke money from his previous films. Now wants to dispose money to evade taxation or underworld. #wyr

Thankfully Interval is here. And yes Mum is awake for Caramel Popcorn. Sad bit its a small one. Will sleep shortly. #wyr

Oooooo oooo meri Bebo. Me so gonna waste my money on this crap shit. But still end up laughing. Govinda rocks. #doknotdisturb

Leo is here. Leo is here. Me likes Leo. So what she looks moojra types. Me still likes. But will Yogesh Bhai? #wyr

For a moment there I thought the Leo chick asked the dude – You (y)gaysh? Anyway my mum think Terrance is Gay. I find him Hawt! #wyr

I loved the Leo chicklet. She whipped the NRI’s flat arse. Good she walked out on him. #wyr

Horny. Horny. Is this Nandini uff Scorpio. So wanna be types. #wyr nothing personal Scorpio ladies beat Ashutosh yaar

Wait wait a minute. What do I say a glimpse of clean smooth chaati. Yes yes there is God. There is hope after all people. #wyr

Okay this may sound weird but it feels like deja vu types. Like watching Rab Ne Bani De Jodi. On the loops. #wyr

Yaar while tweeting forgot to see the next chick’s star sign. The doctor one. She’s cute. I like her. Yogesh looks like the Swades guy. #wyr

Wow I thought only YSR guys did this. But looks like Ashu too believes in recyling. The doctor chick plot is mini Swades. #wyr

Wow not again. The Taurian chick plot looks like mod day Jodha Akbar. No jokes. #wyr

The Taurian girl is demented. Run. If I were (y)gash. #wyr

The hair is bak. Nahiiiiii. #wyr

Su che su che su che maan maa su che. Okay fine. This movie is stinker. #wyr

Saggie is here. Saggie is here. #wyr

Want to sue Mr Ashu.He make Sag slut like.Okay so maybe weee bit we are but we hve somthing called taste. And Yogesh aint tasty as all. #wyr

So it looks like some fart face complained to Ashutosh about my Rashi slashing. Bloody BB service went down.#wyr

Anyway the last chick, Capri was underage and our Yogesh is not a perve. #wyr

Finally Yogesh gets a girl. Gets married. Funny bit, even he didn’t know what rashee she belonged. Imagine us marela thakela audience. #wyr

On the whole a must avoidable film. #wyr

On the good side mum slept thru the film. Thank God she didn’t watch it or else I wud have ended up as the Dasera non veg dish at home.#wyr

And so I have come to this conclusion; I am one of those special breed of individuals who attract drama. Basically Drama * heart * Me. No matter how hard I try, how much conscious effort I put in, be as much sober as possible, drama still manages to sniff me out in a crowd and comes lusting like a puppy dog who just spotted its demented owner.

You think I am exaggerating? how’s this for an example;

Couple of days ago, I was at a restaurant, entertaining a fantastic person from out-of-town. Now everything was going as smoothly as possible. Drinking…shinking…eating…weating…breezy conversations flowing. A simply perfect evening. But na…drama,you see, my friend, just had to intrude.

As if with an invisible sign board nailed on top of my head, reading “Yes! Yes! Yes! It is me you are looking for” – I get spotted…err…sorry slash that….I get pointed at from a distance by this lean, grungy, tall man. Now before you think hanky panky…let me add, drunk too. Yup, drunk to the extent that it would give a skunk the stinking complex.

So daru uncleji walks up to my table, yes with his pointed finger and non-stop verbal diaherra in full flow – “Yes, you are one. It is you I want. Can I sit down? (Clearly formality, because buttocks were already down before the question was asked) I am doing a reality show and I want you in it. You have to be in it. I spotted you from the door and had to come in, you have to be on my show. Akshay Kumar is going to host. He is a good friend; you know…you know Rajiv Bhatia. He is the host. And guess what…I also have Mika. It’s a very unique show. Mind blowing concept. And you have to be in it.”

If you want me to be absolutely honest, then yes…for a moment I was intrigued. I mean…me on a reality show. I mean Akshay Kumar. And gawd oh gawd Mikaaaaaa. So I let myself drift away…okay…ya I had already signed a big budget film with Salman Khan in my unconscious state of mind…like I care what you think.

Me – “What is this show about? Something on the lines of Khatron Ke Khilidi?”

Daru uncleji – “Na na…this is a brilliant unique concept. And I want you in it.”

Me – “Okay so what is it?”

*drums rolling *

Daru uncleji – “It’s about people who get into messy situations. I mean absolutely messy. And you have to be in it.”

Before I could utter the next word, my dearest companion who until now was busy grinning and giggling….butted in – “So you think she is someone who gets into messy situations?”

Yup….perfect!…No, with a friend like this who needs PR agent?

Daru Uncleji – “(As if he’d not heard a word) I want you on the show. I think you have it all it takes to be on this show.”

Me – “So you think I have all the messy qualities?”

Daru Uncleji – “No no…I want you on the show. Give me a miss call on my cell. You know Arman *****? You know him….he is my brother. Arman ***** is my brother. He is producing the show. We have Rajiv Bhatia. He loved the concept. Big TV channel is in it as well. You have to be on the show. Call on my cell.”

And then abruptly, pointing happens once again. But not me this time but my bad bad PR Agent. Drunken uncleji points at my friend…”But not you. You don’t call me. I only want her”.

PR Agent aka Friend (grinning cheek to cheek) – “Why? I don’t look messy enough?”

Realizing rather a little late that this was a drunken man we were dealing with, after all. I decided to cut the conversation as politely as possible… Being called a perfect messy candidate by a drunk guy is not exactly something you could brag about all the way home…last thing I wanted was the world to know about it.

So I take daru uncleji’s cell number. Pretend dialled it. And conveniently blamed bad network for call fail and needless to say, I gave my best assurance look and promised to call later.

Which of course I didn’t. And as damn luck would have it, while syncing my spanking new BlackBerry Gemini (oh yeeeeaaaaahhhh it’s awesome) I lost a few contacts and daru uncleji happened to be one of them.

And with that went away my only chance of starring opposite Salman Khan (Damn you Katrina Kaif!). Talk about drama pe drama.

Bag of Bones was quoted saying this in one of her usual crappy piece of journalism –

Celina Jaitly spoke sense (she was clearly being prompted via text messages during Arnab’s show, but what the hell she played the messenger convincingly), could she not have dropped the blue contact lenses, fake lashes, crazy wig and caked make up? She wasn’t shooting an item song. For someone pretty smart and articulate, Celina often gets it completely wrong when it comes to putting herself together for sober occasions. Nothing a clued-in stylist can’t fix… but fast, please!!

Ouuuchhhh! Now I don’t know about you but to me this sounds so very crude. Personal attack. But fret not; the self-appointed Queer Ambassador no way took these insults lying down. In fact she gave it back as hard…

I feel, after reading Shobha aunty’s last column that she is taking a neutral stand (against the decision to make homosexuality legal in the county) to  keep both sides happy, until the supreme court decision comes through…. and then she will swing to whichever side of the grass is greener.

Sad, I expected much more from her. I guess Ms De lives to put down the film industry no matter what our contribution is. She should know we actors are people of the masses and classes, we see no race and no religion. All we see is how human we can be. No matter what their sexual orientation.

Articulate?! This is bloody hell WOW. The army lady may stink as an actress but can she talk back or whot?! I could very well imagine Shobha after reading Celina’s response squirming in over-tight designer blouse and thinking aloud “Uff aunty mat bolo na”.

On a serious note, Celina did make a valid point. Shobha aunty who usually never leaves an issue un-opinionated, surprisingly has chosen to keep her loud trap shut on the topic of IPC 377.

Now this neutral stand is to please a certain yogi guru? Or maybe politics is her next frontier and therefore… Who knows but one thing is for certain; its high time Ms. De rethinks her jabbing strategy because it’s coming across as nothing but haggish ranting. Not that her opinions were ever worthwhile, but surely she has seen brighter days.

So here’s the deal auntyji if you play dirty games you too get dirrrrty in the process. It would be nice to see you contribute something substantial (for a change) and not just nibble on Page 3 filth, we have had plenty of those already, no? And for crying out loud, get done with those leopard print saris, really. I mean, really.

And Celina baby, you rock honey!

Director Kabir Khan‘s take on his upcoming film New York.

Sorry to burst your bubble dude but I think your effort ain’t getting nowhere.

Bollywood folks….ah! the excitement they bring into ordinary lives. Speaking of which, someone please pray tell me, is that an attempt at strangling her breasts?? I mean stuff her mouth….I get it but the boobs aren’t really that bad?!

[Picture ripped off - Super sexy High Heel Confidential]

Though I wonder what will be more objectionable for our protectors of Bharitiya maryada and sanskriti; eating beef or the manner in which it’s eaten. Both seem to be corrupting the minds of Indian women, no?

Either which ways me thinks Padma Lakshmi rocks. Salman Rushdie what a bloody wanker.

Me – So I met this person at the party I went last night to. Exchanged numbers and got a sms at 4 am, saying “You looked beautiful last night”.

Friend – Awwww…so sweet.

Me – Argghhh! Na….it’s such a turn off.

Friend – Whot! Being called beautiful.

Me – Hell ya! Call me anything but that.

Friend – I thought you were finicky only about smells.

Me – Well I am about that and this. It’s simple; call me sexy and smell delicious and you will have me searching for a bed.

Friend – You sound so loose!

Me – Nope me just honest….

Seriously though I find the word “beautiful” nothing but a turn off. I mean throw something like sexy, hot, gorgeous and you will have me roll around like an obedient puppy dog. Plus it has kind-da Sati Savitrish ring to it, don’t you think? Or I guess nearing 30 has something do with it, for fuck sake I will even accept cute but the B word is a definite No No.

On the topic of Turn On and Offs, here’s my list since I have nothing better to do. But then again this is my property and free publicity does no harm, right o?

So here we go… (In random order)

Smell – Very important. Get this right and 50% job is done.

Butt – Not too round (J Lo kind) not too small (SRK kind)….in between is just perfect.

(Gee…I such a doggy dog person, look at points 1 & 2)

Good listener – Not that I always have something important to say…it’s just that I talk a lot. And I am not exaggerating when I say, A LOT.

Ah those sexy moves – Match up my stamina on the dance floor and you have me impressed. (Expertise in Lap Dance earns you an extra brownie point)

Must love 80s Pop – Yup, I am still crazy about Madonna, Pet Shop Boys, George Micheal, and but of course the King of Pop Music aka Michael Jackson.

Movie Buff – I am not very picky in this category. Any genre of movie works for me. But yes, Bollywood crazy fetches an extra brownie. And if horror crazy, dude consider it a done deal.

Okay….guess this is enough. Can’t really place all my cards on the table, now can I? For the rest you gotto work it baby.

And at the expense of sounding a bit raunchy, here’s an apt video for the moment.

Sigh! Better luck next time…until then the (behind the curtains) Silsila continues.

[Pic Courtesy : Times of India]