(This post is not mine. A reader, who wishes to remain anonymous sent it in, and I’m including it as part of the M word series. This piece I feel provides another perspective to the whole marriage issue. Only goes to show how many sides there are to the ‘M’ coin.)
Society makes marriage out to be such an important aspect of life, even if it isn’t so for some people. One can’t but help but get angry with the way things are but at the same time, there’s very little one can do. Society is so important that most people do things just to appease it, at the cost of their own desires.
Take the case of our parents. No sooner does the daughter turn a certain age that they begin to worry what so-and-so said: “Oh! Your daughter is working now and is growing older, don’t you want to get her married?” Pressure from society leads to unnecessary tension in the house. Do the so-and-so of our life really matter? They will only talk for 3-4 days, then calm down and accept the situation. Should we really base our actions on what other people think is right?
There are still millions of people out there living with their own old beliefs and they don’t look like they’re changing themselves any time soon. They educate their children, send them abroad for higher studies, make them capable of earning well, but expect them, in the end, to follow their (the parents’) way. I agree, one should do things for the family and parents but the family should give the children the right to live their life the way they want to. Especially with respect to their choice of a life partner.
I have been a victim of the above situation. I belong to a Punjabi family and my parents are strict, so love marriage was out of question from the very beginning. Still, I fell in love and was madly in love with this guy who belonged to a different caste. I knew the situation I was going to be in, but I was ready to fight for him, stand by him, adjust into his family (he has a different lifestyle altogether). I’d like to think of myself as a modern girl belonging to today’s age, but like a true Indian girl, I want to live with the person I love and make his home, cook for him, be with him, make his family and live my life. I do work and I would have loved to have a home to which I could have contributed.
But his parents wanted to get their son married in the same caste, so we’ve parted ways. He got engaged two weeks ago, and has supposedly ‘moved on’ but I’m still in a miserable state. I’m unable to see a direction in life. I really loved him from my heart and soul and never thought he would ever leave me.
Parents, under societal pressure and their own beliefs, don’t stop to consider their child’s happiness. They would never admit it, but their actions are all done under societal pressure. Instead they’d say, “Such a thing is not OK in our system.”
I loved a wonderful person and he would have done anything for his family. Trust me that’s what he did. Though he loved me, he was ready to sacrifice his love for his family’s happiness. I wish his parents would realize that their son made such a big sacrifice for their happiness and let him marry the girl he wants to.
Comments
13 comments | Add your comment »
Swapnil
Jun 6th, 2008 at 10:20 am | #
Agree 100 percent!
fas
Jun 6th, 2008 at 2:54 pm | #
Quite true, however when you are marrying some one via arranged marrage, there are more chances of problems then in love marriage, thats what i feel.
Neel
Jun 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm | #
as always, any marriage is a risk. given the latest on the Grover-Susairaj (not to forget the Kaushambi Layek-Manish Thakur case) deal,does the love marriage deal really guarantee “ever after” ?
after all do we really *Know* anyone?
Mitesh
Jun 7th, 2008 at 5:31 am | #
Did you consider talking directly with his parents? These same words, this same intensity, this same convincing…might melt their hearts..its never too late.
Haridas Dave
Jun 7th, 2008 at 6:21 am | #
Irony called Life !!
I always feel that few entrepreneurs succeed in the business of love …
R
Jun 7th, 2008 at 3:36 pm | #
Im very sorry to hear that you had to go through this… but with the risk of sounding too harsh, I have to take a completely different position here — was he really worth it if he is not willing to stand up to his parents ?
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who doesn’t have he conviction to change his parents view on what is arguably the most important choice in his life ? And then if you really believes in something, you ought to stand up to it.
Stop the self pity. Maybe it was for the best.
Anshul
Jun 8th, 2008 at 3:49 am | #
Bad. But its true. Some parents refuse to think outside caste. And some of them are quite broad minded to let GFs meet their BFs knowingly.
But then if he did not stand up for you….maybe he is not worth it.
Twilight Fairy
Jun 9th, 2008 at 10:22 am | #
To the one who wrote this post – it sounds like a leaf out of my life, right down to the last detail! But dont worry, even though it seems impossible to “move on” (I so hate that phrase) .. there will be a point when you do come to the stage of feeling “nothing”. Even though I dont know how/what I would feel when I come face to face with that same person ever again in my life. All I can say is… jo hota hai acche ke liye hota hai.. cliched.. but dil ko behelane ke liye yeh bhee accha hai.
Bhavya
Jun 17th, 2008 at 11:09 pm | #
Thats so true………..
I don’t understand why people don’t mind there own business.
Is marriage a big achievement in a girls life?
Boomboom
Jun 24th, 2008 at 10:44 am | #
I think you should move on. If he was not ready to stand up to his family for you then I dont think it was really worth it. You say he was a great guy and will do anything for his family. But if he is really that good shouldnt he also stand up for his love. I agree that most of the times parents do it for pressures from relatives and society. That way I have been lucky. I have married the girl I love inspite of our caste difference and our parents were completely ok with it. Just try to get over this. Wish you all the best.
Priyanka
May 5th, 2009 at 4:47 am | #
Agree completely with ‘R’
Don’t want to be harsh but is it that difficult to stick to your will? I am from an orthodox Punjabi family & my husband (once my boy friend) is from a different caste ;suppose to be the most orthodox kinds. We had to face a lot of problems- marriage got fixed & broken at least 3times, but I must say my husband always stood by me. So the point is just ask yourself is it worth it? is it worth it to get stuck in a moment? And you will get the answer.
N
Nov 16th, 2009 at 7:17 am | #
I completely agree with the author of this article.
Going through almost the same thing and hated the two words ‘move on’.. But agreeing with many people here, I too feel at one point we reach a stage of ‘nothing’ and ‘no feelings’ at all.
Respecting and caring for parents is right, even I am not against it. However, a person as a human being, should have courage and should be confident about his own feelings and desires. He/She should have the guts to follow his/her heart. Parents don’t understand that, they are parents and they do not own their children. And yes, parents can too be wrong, they are also only human. It’s just that, the other person lacks courage.
I actually feel bad for that person because all he was doing was keeping his family at peace, but the same family does not even understand his actual desires. All life, parents would be the ones living his life and he would just keep trying making them happy. Hope it does makes everyone happy.
All said and done, from my end, I feel glad, that I had the courage. I tried with the best I had. I will never ever say in my life later that I didn’t try
(It’s really awful, if after few years, we say ‘What if?’).
Whatever good we saw in them, was created by us, it’s actually in our mind. They only represented the good and never gave us that. We can create the same beauty for someone who would have more courage to stand up for us. That’s what we deserve!
smitha
Nov 16th, 2009 at 8:19 am | #
The same thing i also came across, same to same
But i dont know what to do, i scolded him like anything, i told that i will kill ur parents who are against to this and also i told that i wil also end my life.No answer from him, he just says i luv u a lot i dont want to see u in tears, but he will not stand for our luv.
:’(