The ‘M’ Word Part 6 : Saying No

Try telling people ‘Marry for the right reason or just because its the right reason?”.. Not that its helped me

I remember a 31 yr old ‘prospect’ writing to me in the very first email, “You are 25 and not YET married. Why?” .

I simply wrote back “Coz I keep meeting guys like you”

Never heard from him again

Nice take!

Nice thoughts…

But I would like to add that the older generation not only treis to convince the fairer sex for marriage but also the male gender too… From my personal exp as well as from frndz experriences, I can say that the day guys start earning a decent salary, people start coming to their parents with some marriage proposals and sooner or later parents also think likewise…

As far as I know, this problem is not restsricted to girls but it is part of our Indian society…

The thing is you might in future wish you were married. But you’re 40 at that time. And you get frustrated not being able to find a good person. And then, you’re going to blame your parents for not pushing you enough when you refused. Happens. We’ve all seen it.

And even if you don’t, there are ‘others’ who will, no? I don’t understand why the modern woman has to take this ‘living for ones-self’ too far. Maybe they’re scared by the past. I wouldn’t know. But I know this. You don’t live alone. You can’t shut your ears. Your decisions are gonna keep making their impacts much longer into your life. People will be surprised and they might even marvel your strength to come so long. But that’s it. You’ll still be an alien to them. Now I’m not telling you can’t do it or you shouldn’t. But I’m just telling it’s not worth it. Instead, you can try and find a non-intrusive, yet loving person.

In India there is this stupid notion that a lot of people have that a person is not complete until they get married. Marriage is not the be all and end all of everything. There is so much more to life. People don’t tend to understand that.
People have this map hardwired into their mind. Grow up, get married, have children, get them married and then die!!! I personally want more from life than this!!

I dont know if marriage is necessary for life or not but I think that sharing life with another person and compromising is a great character builder. It si a very good life experience to leave the cocoon of their families and live on their own for a while and have dinners watching TV after they which they can decide whether they want to be married or not..

I may have to agree with all this being selfish and individualistic. But remember “Birds of a feather flock together.” The society has to completely change if this has to come through. We arent completely there yet as in west or may be we are moving towards it. Good sign.
Once you reach late 30’s, friends will/may not have that much time for you as they have today. Trust me on this, my guy friends dont spend that much time now with me as they did 2 years back. Most of them are busy with work, marriage and stuff like that. And that is when u might feel lonely and look for prospective spouse. But you know what that’s too late in the Indian system and most of them are happily/unhappily married by that time. Botttom line you might end up with a more-wrong guy then than now. So plz think over it.

P.s: I am a 25 year old guy and I know of a friend who is 32/single and all the above is what i heard from her.

Therezz a tradeoff….. Wait till u find ur Mr. Right…….. But waiting too long may be what u might regret

I am sure you have just voiced out the thoughts of thousands of Indian women who were just mumbling to themselves or to their close friends. The trouble with society and its norms is that it is sort of a vicious cycle where it is tough to break them, and breaking them is the only way you get to change them. Not many have the strength to do that. I am a weakling myself for that matter, and the weakness stems, as you said in your post, from thinking of the hurt it produces to your loved ones when you break norms. So hats off to people like you who finally manage to do that. Way to go, Saakshi!

When you say marriage is for 7 years, I think you mean 7 lifetimes. :o)

Hehehehe - God forbid you ever marry - I’ll pity that guy :P

great post! i could relate to so much. the whole arranged marriage system - a glorified meat market- stinks and is demeaning to a woman on so many levels. after giving in for my parents’ sake, “playing the game”, etc. i am convinced that i cannot accept this kind of means to a possibly happy end.

Sakshi,

All power to you! My grand-aunt did not marry, my aunt did not marry and my closest female friends is “cheerfully single.” Neither of them had any regrets. One of my mother’s cousins lost her husband soon after she got married; she never remarried and has no regrets.

People like Manoj don’t know what they are talking about.

Of course, I should also mention another of my mom’s cousin is single and lonely. She regrets not marrying.

But the thing I find different in the last example is that she is not a “strong woman” and that she did not choose to remain single… she is single due to circumstances (in those days, people didn’t want to marry women whose dad was in an asylum).

Of course, I can give equal number of examples where equally “strong women” would not have been as happy had they remained single. I guess “To Each His/Her Own”

Damn.. Typo in my very first comment!

I have murdered the punch in the (ahem) punch line, yet anyways what I meant was:

“Do u marry for the right reason or just because its the right season?”

I love to believe that society has changed and marriage means companionship, intellegent conversations blah blah but the fact is the more the things change the more they remain the same.

The stereotypes of woman = housework still hold true. And worst still guys expect the girl to ’strike a balance between work and home’ while he concentrates on his career… some accept this and others decide not to accept these rules of the ‘market’.. and maybe thats where it all starts.. my comment is running longer than ur post!

Oh btw, intellegent blog

I come from a place where my parents really don’t worry about my marriage, but about my work. It’s quite amazing… and more than anything else they have taught me the importance of being broad minded. Live and let be. And yes Sakshi, as you put it, to each its own.

Niket: “People like Manoj don’t know what they are talking about.”

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. And although Mr.Right didnt turn up, I chose someone coz I was tired of seeing my parents go through all the “trauma” of me rejecting every guy that came along. And I was under the misconception that once ur married, they let u be. It does not stop at that….”society” goes on to expect that u to have kids at a certain age, that u raise them in a certain way……………..y is it so tough to say I know how I want to live my life, so just let me be?

The reason why a lot of desi parents insist that their daughters get married before 30 is because they fear that pregnancy can create a lot of complications for ‘older’ women. Talk to any doctor, and he/she will readily admit that the risk of complications (during pregnancy) are much more in mid 30s, then in late 20s.

just saw banner ads of “bharat matrimony” on your website! Ironic

This time u didn ask me the hindi translation of primitive :)..it’s “Dhakiyanusi” BTW.. not “takiya” LOL

Are you forgetting the sex part or talking about free sex, multiple partners, orgies and one night stand bys. dont tell me that hunger of the body does not count in here. I am a single woman and I know the perils of being single. There will be a time when you want to turn and talk to someone, and there will be none. And finding a new person everyday, going through the same rigmarole everyday can be such a pain in the ass. take it from someone who knows it.