The Silent Companion

She could feel the screams in her head even before she heard them.

“Waheguru Waheguru Waheguruji,” she murmured, hoping that taking God’s name would slow down the panic within her. “Satnam Satnam Satnamji”.

Still holding ironed clothes in her pale hands, Nalini sat down on the lower of the two steps that led to the cosy sitting area within her bedroom. She closed her eyes and thought about why these silent screams in her head had reappeared after so many weeks. She kept taking her God’s name trying to block out blurred images that darted from the left side of her brain to the right and vice-versa.

Feeling the panic rise again, Nalini quickly walked over to the large windows behind the sofa, and pulled back the beautiful gold-threaded silk curtains. The winter sun spilled into the room through wall made of the clear glass, making its way through the small squares on the delicate white silk curtains that sheltered Nalini from any unknown eyes watching her third floor apartment.

Nalini stared out at the world through the curtains, inhaling the warm light of the sun, pulling the light into her body, willing the warmth of the light to enter her body. She felt the warmth spread within her, but somewhere deep inside, there remained an emptiness that felt like a hard cold metal ball. Closing her eyes again, Nalini watched the warmth and the cold fight their battle in her body. Who will win, she wondered, desperately wanting the warmth to take over her entire being, but yet unwilling to let go of that strange cold metal ball somewhere within her.

“Waheguru Waheguru Waheguruji, Satnam Satnam Satnamji,” the chant continued in Nalini’s head.

She noticed that the warmth of the sun was losing this battle. Nalini sensed the iciness spread through her veins, from the center of her body to her heart and her thighs, to her arms and her legs, to her toes and to her fingertips. She felt cold, and yet comfortable with this feeling. She knew what this feeling was. Her silent but possessive old companion had returned to furiously reclaim her from the warmth that was threatening to take her over.

Nalini felt the emptiness spread through her body. Her mind traveled back 11 weeks. She saw herself smiling, excited, happy, and at peace. She was going to be a mother!

And then she saw herself again through the blur in her eyes. Five weeks ago. She lay shivering in a sterile hospital room with two layers of blankets thrown over her. Soft silent tears were sliding down to her ears and into the pillow. With her eyes shining, the doctor walked over to Nalini and gently stroked her hair.

“I don’t know what to say, Nalini. Sometimes these things can’t be explained,” the doctor said quietly.

Nalini gently closed her eyes in mute acknowledgement. And waited for the anesthesia to take over and dim her pain.

“Waheguru Waheguru Waheguruji, Satnam Satnam Satnamji.”