Am I A Hypocrite?

Sometimes mere conversations can lead to such profound insights that the after effect continues to linger on, even much after. And one such talk I had with a dear friend, The IdeaSmithy, this very morning.

It all started with my telling her about the family dinner I had last night at a fancy joint in the city – among the who’s and who of the town there was this another very familiar face among the crowd. Familiar, not in sense I knew the concerned individual personally but someone I had read a lot about in our daily tabloids. Besides belonging to an (once upon a time) influential business family, add to this on-n-off family feuds – Ajay Mafatlal also managed to grab the headlines for something rarely heard off in our society, a sex change operation.

For those who aren’t aware; Ajay was born as Aparna Mafatlal and in November 2003 underwent a Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS). He was later on quoted saying,

I haven’t changed my sex for the property. I had the mannerisms of a boy since I was six years old and underwent the change for personal reasons.

[To know more, check out Ajay’s TOI interview].

Basically in our chat, I was in a way confessing to her of my own hypocrite mentality (or so I felt at the dinner table) – meaning here I am writing multiple posts, informing and thereby asking readers to open their minds when it comes to the Indian Queer Community but in reality shying away from the very thing I have been preaching.

Seriously. I can’t even remember the number of times I must have gawked at the poor soul, sometimes with curiosity and at times with amusement, as if I was not looking at a human being but a science experiment. The look on other faces was no different and I guess this is what made my guilt pinch me further to the bone, the fact that I was just one of them.

Idea on the other hand was her sweetest self and her constant assurance that “curiousity is natural” did help a bit but somehow even now I am not able to shrug the guilty feeling off.

Crossing over the fence – I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for someone like Ajay to lead a normal life, be a regular guy, without the blunt stares, finger pointing, behind-the-back talks and constant ridicule. Really, just think about it. I believe only the ones with some serious will power and balls of steel (no pun intended) can lead a life filled with never-ending struggles, keeping the reserved Indian attitude in context.

Further into our talk, the topic of – Homosexual men having a slight edge over Homosexual females (in India) – also cropped up, a thought that has been with me for a while now. And something my friend, IdeaSmithy also seems to agree with.

Now don’t jump to conclusions here, will talk more on this in the next post.

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[...] more. And I had the benefit of one such conversation with the queen of desi blogdom. Do check out her starting post on what we were talking about, ending with a promise to take it furthur. I’ll put up my thoughts on this as well, [...]

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arZan
Jan 26th, 2008 at 5:52 pm | #

I dont think a sex change is the same as being “queer”. BTW, you should use a better term.

TO get back to the point, a sex change is coming to terms with your inner feelings about yourself. While being gay is more about the affection and attraction you feel towards others….be they your own or opposite sex. And since the birth of time it has been taken for granted that one should be attracted to the opposite sex ONLY, we have a situation where people dontn fit that “RULE”.

As much as your observation is astute, i think there are two completely different issues….both with kinda similar social implications, but different nevertheless. Probably your next post is about that.

Saakshi O. Juneja
Jan 26th, 2008 at 7:34 pm | #

“I don’t think a sex change is the same as being “queer”. BTW, you should use a better term”

Well, I am surprised to hear something like this from someone who has spent so many years in a city like NYC. In my opinion the word “Queer” is an appropriate word – be it in relation to the post and/or its acceptation socially.

When I talk about “Queer Community” – I am not only referring to Gay men and lesbians but also transgender, asexual, etc. basically all those who do not follow the “normal” sexual pattern as prescribed by the society we live in. Agreed, traditionally the word “Queer” does not reflect the intensity it deserves, however it is well accepted and recognized term globally. And this I say after reading multiple books on the related topic such as “Because I have a Voice: Queer Politics in India”, “Gandhi’s Tiger and Sita’s Smile: Essays on Gender, Sexuality and Culture” along with my first hand interaction with those involved in campaigning for Queer rights and acceptance in our country.

As for the issues being non-related, well I certainly don’t think so. As you pointed out yourself, the social implications for both – a Gay man or a Transsexual – are similar and since my post (and previous posts) is a take on the society’s (general) point of view – I believe the core issues are related in more than one pattern.

Vivek
Jan 27th, 2008 at 2:40 am | #

To attempt an answer at the title of your post: we all are, in different contexts.

Everyone is biased in some way or the other, and I think it is quite natural. Some of us accept it, some “justify” it under the guise of “personal preference” (and right to freedom of speech, Ayn Rand and gods know what else) and some refuse to accept the idea that they could be biased.

People in the first category usually don’t talk much about these biases; in the second, they might occasionally criticize others; in the third one, there is no end to their lectures in morality, ethics and humanity. IMO, it is this last category of people who are the real hypocrites.

To derive from the title of your blog, I doubt whether you fall in the third category.

There, I have jumped to a conclusion! Heh.. might revise it after your next post though!

arZan
Jan 27th, 2008 at 4:06 am | #

Saakshi

From the same wikipedia link, the article states

‘Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists, by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities, by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight, and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. ”

That is exactly my point.

Just say it the way it is..Gay, Lesbian, Hetero, Transsexual, or Bi. At least thats the way we all do in NYC !!!!

An analogy is Prostitue v/s Commercial Sex Worker. We are all mature adults and dont need to be so politically correct.

And yes……… what is the core issue. Is it coming to acceptance with one’s feeling about one self or one’s feeling about someone else.

Why are you trying to make it all a simple problem. I think each one has its own merit and should be dealt with seperately if you really are intending to do that.

IdeaSmith
Jan 27th, 2008 at 7:59 am | #

Sakshi, I must agree with Arzan about the use of the word ‘queer’. While I have the benefit of being your friend and knowing that you don’t mean any offense or attach any additional meaning to the word…I think it is widely taken to be a politically incorrect, offensive description.

Incidentally, our conversation gave me a lot to think about as well and examine my own pre-conceived notions. I still maintain that it is very human to be curious. I don’t think you are a hypocrite at all, especially since you are willing to hold up your own actions and thoughts against the standard of your opinions…and even admit that they don’t always match. Some of our ideas are on ‘default’ mode given our conditioning. But these can always be changed when one thinks about it.

Good post and I’m looking forward to the more detailed follow-up!

Saakshi O. Juneja
Jan 27th, 2008 at 10:48 am | #

Arzan & IdeaSmithy – After investing considerable amount of time reading literature on Homosexuality (in India), my interaction with those directly involved in the Rainbow campaigns and the fact that two of my very good friends (one of them having spent practically half of his life in the closet) – I am very certain that the word “Queer” is NOT politically in-correct and/or viewed as offensive.

In fact many television shows/documentaries on Homosexuality refer to the Gay culture as the “Queer World” and/or “LGBT”. However the term LGBT technically stands in-correct since it doesn’t represent other (non-publicized) sub-communities within the larger Homosexual framework.

Arzan – As for the core issue, well I think you got that part wrong. My posts on the concerned topic (till date) have never been about, for example, a homosexual man/woman’s coming to terms with their own sexuality. They are mostly centered on the Indian society’s perspective and their behavior towards those who do not follow “norm” sexual lifestyle.

And in my opinion you are miss-representing my words by stating that I am categorizing it all as “simple problem” – I for one would never say or act in such immature fashion.

Agreed, each case has its own merit and should be dealt separately however in the Indian sub-context, “acceptance” and “no right to ones’s sexual choices” by the society at large is the core (common) problem experienced by the entire Gay (Queer) community.

I hope you will find the above reply satisfactory, if not, then frankly there is nothing more I can say that could make you think otherwise. Plus I don’t think it even matters, as long as we are on the same side and that is “Live and Let Live”.

Shweta Solanki
Jan 28th, 2008 at 8:15 pm | #

Just delurking here.

More than the post I found your comments very informative and in some ways heart felt.

Hope you will continue to write on such topics more often.

Keep it up.

Widney
Jan 28th, 2008 at 11:19 pm | #

Hey there dear writer. Although I’m not Indian, and I might not be able to understand an Indian opinion in that matter, but I have to reassure you that you are not a hypocrite. I truly believe that it is in the human nature to reject everything that’s outside of the norms. I used to live in Chicago, which is consider as one of the most divers city in the US, but I had to actually live in Denver, a small town compare to New York and such likes, to actually understand what the word tolerence really means. It’s funny how we sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that we are open-minded and self-rightously pass judgements on those who we believe aren’t, but really deep inside we treat people who are different from us or the ones who dare to step out of the-should-bes like they are freaks coming from another planet. I, a self-proclaimed broad-minded person, witnessed many times my prejudicial nature when it comes to use the word acceptance when it’s about others. So don’t feel bad. I think somehow we all do it

Gary
Jan 29th, 2008 at 5:53 pm | #

Very so few bloggers remian completely dedicated to certain issues they write about and you look to be one of them. A very though provoking piece, just like many others you have written. Looking forward to many more.

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