It was the last day of Ganesh Visarjan, I was driving mum and her sister (from Dilli) to their other sister’s house. While the two ladies jabbered in the back, I was busy abusing those who picked my car for their suicidal attempts. And then from nowhere, their conversation found me.
Aunt (to my mum): Guddi, tune Ganpatiji doh saal pehele rakha tha na?
Mum: Haan. Ab bas es ladki ki shaadi ya sagaii ho jaye, toh mein phir se rakhon.
Aunt (looking at me): Bas tuh ab shaadi kar he le!
Though I just smiled back at them and muttered my usual “All will happen with time” dialogue, I couldn’t help but grin on the thought that Ganpatiji was in for a very (very) long wait for his next visit at my crib. Frankly speaking, turning 28 (two months to go) hasn’t been all that nightmarish for as yet. Family has been very quiet on the marriage front this year or maybe they have just given up and if the later is true, then I guess I have bigger reason to celebrate my up-coming birthday with a bang.
But seriously speaking, as they say, “not all five fingers are alike”, similarly being single and that too way after crossing the 25 mark threshold, for many young women can be a miserable experience every now and then in our country’s traditionally conservative society. A good friend, who recently turned 29, went into depression after a torturous ordeal her parents put her thru. Mother nagged her for being “so” old and still single, her father on the other side cried himself out in front of his cousin brother’s family when they came over to hand them wedding invitation of their daughter – who happened to be in her early twenties.
Agreed, certain decisions in life are needed to be taken within a set time frame, however I have noticed that single women in India bear more severe brunt due to the “ageing factor” as compared to single men. I myself have heard many times, some relative or family acquaintance blurt their worries (more like taunts), reasoning that if I don’t get married soon then I would have no choice but to pick a life partner from the lot of rejects (lacking in one the ABC aspects) or second-hands (divorcees).
Pretty ironic, isn’t it? Just last year my 31-year-old cousin got married to a 23-year-old girl from Indore – a big gap of 8 years, so conveniently accepted by the families and the entire community. But on the other hand, its bloody next to impossible for a 27+ woman to find a match around the same age as hers mainly because many families (and single men) prefer younger brides, doesn’t matter even if there is a difference of a decade between the couple. Its really sickening to see how fixated our society is on the perceived “marriageable age” and the dual mentality that walks along with it.
Neighbors, who otherwise wouldn’t give a crap even if they knew that the woman next door is in an abusive marriage, don’t mind investing their precious time in questioning the character of single woman who happens to live in the same block. As for relatives, well you can always count on them to turn up to add fuel to fire.
And so, I doubt if this mentality will ever change. I mean it’s enriching to watch shows like Sex and the City but to actually move that from fiction to reality – in the Indian context is nothing but a far-fetched dream. All I know is that, 28 or 35, I am definitely not rushing into anything that I am not sure off.
[Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 & Part 4]
Comments
11 comments | Add your comment »
Supremus
Oct 1st, 2007 at 3:31 pm | #
Parents aside, as a woman I think it is quite beneficial for them to marry a bit early, especially if they are planning a future family. Between 30-35 would be a tricky time for women to conceive too… Dont want to use the terms here, but from what I know it seems that it gets difficult for women to conceive and they may face complexities. It also depends of course on *young* you want to be when your baby arrives
– being 49 when your son is 20 vs being 63 when your daughter is 30 is your choice I guess.
Of course a bit early I dont mean 20-23 but neither do I advocate 28-30 either. I also think that there should be a gap of at least 2+ years between the guy and the girl – simply because girls are fare more mature than guys are, and that difference more ore less covers it up (hopefully eh!!
). I find so many women in India have started marrying late because they are busy shaping up their careers and all, don’t know if that is a healthy trend.
Ideally I think 28/25 is a great ratio for a guy/gal to get married
– just my two cents.
Rohit
Oct 1st, 2007 at 5:33 pm | #
Sometimes stories are same across places/people/genders
Shweta
Oct 2nd, 2007 at 2:16 pm | #
This is so true Sakshi. The problem is our mentality of perceiving women as means of reproduction. Since after a prime age she may loose her ability to “produce”, she is forced to marry with in the time bracket. First it’s marriage and then its kids…continues nagging will always be the case.
Rohit
Oct 2nd, 2007 at 2:30 pm | #
Flick: Pyar ke side effect
Dialog: “Superman ne shaadi nahi ki. Batman ne shaadi nahi ki. Yaha tak Shaktiman ne bhi shaadi nahi ki. Woh to Indian hai, uski maa bahut pakati hogi usko.”
Deep
Oct 2nd, 2007 at 6:12 pm | #
Actually, I agree with the comments made by Supremus. Age of 25 – 28 should be perfect for anyone to get married but at the same time, it shouldnt be like “Panic” situation when a person is 28+. It is just matter of finding the right person. If you don’t find till 28, it’s ok. But the situation also shouldn’t be like, we keep on waiting for the person and doing nothing.
Regards,
Deep
Nimra
Oct 2nd, 2007 at 6:32 pm | #
I am cringing right now thinking of what I will have to go through in a couple of years. My cousin is a year younger than you, and everyone is asking when she will get married. Her answer is that she will never get married.
Of course I doubt that. But I guess the only response that would make the elders happy is that you say that you are ready for marriage and ask them to find you a match. This is of course an option, which I know you will never agree to and neither would I. 
Kaushal Karkhanis
Oct 2nd, 2007 at 8:08 pm | #
LOL I’ll tell you wot – I think it’s a conspiracy by all the ‘elders’ to get people married by scaring them about their “marriable age limit”.
I was lectured the exact same thing about how the clock is ticking and having to pick from the rejects/divorcees if I go unmarried beyond the magic number 29… by a friend’s family! You know why they conspire? They don’t party enuff man! See, if they did – they wouldn’t need shaadis as bahaanas to party and show off their jewels n shines. Think about it.
I shall end my 2 paisa comments with a lil’ chutkula: shaadi ka laddoo – jo khaya pachtaaya. Jo naa khaya woh bhi pachtaya. So well, to each its own
Yogustus
Oct 2nd, 2007 at 11:49 pm | #
heylo ji. shaadi!!! my fav topic!!!…me turning 33 in 10 days. still single-as-a-pringle as they say in us bhaasha. i agree that u can’t wait too long…nahin to woh nationwide wala ad ban kar rah jayega!
i to am totally getting there…baal to saara ud gaya…paunch aana baaki hai…kaun bolta hai its easier for guys! *cough* *cough*
Saakshi O. Juneja
Oct 3rd, 2007 at 6:23 am | #
The thing is, I believe marriage has more to do with an individual’s comfort with the entire concept and therefore though society may have its valid reasons towards the age factor, it shouldn’t be dominated by it. I have friends who got married at the age of 22-23 and have no regrets over it.
The very first boy I met via the arranged marriage route was at the age of 22 and I went ahead with it for family sake. But on seeing my attitude, they got the hint that I am totally not ready for it and from then on they never pushed me into anymore.
Marriage is supposedly a life-long commitment, as it is it’s difficult to be responsible for your own self….after marriage you are in-charge of another person as well. Some are ready to take this up at the age of 25 and some are not ready even after 32.
Also I do think an age-gap between the couple is good, though I find anything over 4 years or so, slightly uncomfortable.
Shrey
Oct 9th, 2007 at 5:16 pm | #
Way to go lady.. Agree with you, TOTALLY !!
Neha
Jan 25th, 2008 at 10:43 pm | #
Sakshi,
I’ve been reading your blogs all day today and have to say that it has kept me quite engrossed. Some of the hard hitting ones will stay with me. I applaud you for being able to blog your experiences and share it with the rest of the world. When people start picking on your comments, it frustrates me as this is YOUR BLOG and clearly you are writing your own opinions.. anyways, coming back to this post and the series of previous post..getting Marriage in my opinion has nothing to do with age. I was married at 21 but I dated my husband for 5 years before that. I had no doubts I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But the thing is I was ready only because I found my soul mate. I would not compromise on “Marriage” at all and I hope you meet someone who can you can connect with at all levels – Intellectual, physical and emotional.
Now I’ve been married 11 years and we had decided to wait before we start a family since we were both struggling early on (career, life in general). Once you marry, the next pressure that you will have is starting a family. I’ve been through that and finally the family gave up and left us alone. My problem is for the longest time I did not want to have kids.. I don’t know if I will or not at a future time but for me it’s simple – When we are ready to have kid’s and if it’s too late, I’ll adopt. There are so many unwanted and innocent children who may be victims of poverty or tragedies that I say why not
Anyways, all the best with the dulha search and there is someone out there for you. And reading your blogs I know you are a strong person and would kick someone’s sorry ass if you needed to.. Cheers and hang in there..