Divorces In Today’s India

Hi Sakshi,

I like reading all your Bollywood chronicles on DC so I thought I’d drop by your blog. This article caught my attention on two levels. I’ve been writing on a similar theme and more importantly am divorced.

It is a nice little discussion and touches on some very relevant aspects. I’m always in awe of people who can say a lot in very few words.

I especially like the way you end the article….people just don’t give a damn They shouldn’t. I’m glad your article underplays the social stigma aspect. I think media does influence social stigma by bringing it up way more than it needs to be.

Best,

Aditi

As always very well written, Sakshi!

I agree…better to get a divorce and give love and a happy life another chance rather than suffocate in a loveless unhappy marriage! What’s worse is that some couples decide to have children in the hope of saving their marriages but little realizing that their poor kids have to go through hell till the parents (hopefully) decide to end everyone’s misery and get a divorce.

And is our generation really so immature that they’d seek a divorce for the silliest of reasons? I am sure it does happen, but those are the exceptions!

I have a general question about divorce in India. It seems like they are alot harder to get than in America where one can see marriage as a devalued institution. Not by all but certainly by the Britney Spears of the world, who decide to get married in Vegas and anull the marriage after 21 hours. A friend from Mumbai told me she and her mom came here (U.S.) to stay with her aunt as the divorce was taking years to go through. Never was really close enough to her to ask her the details but does anyone have any idea on how long they take on average?

Sakshi: Nice post. Just dropped by to say Hi!;)

Interesting blog post. You raise valid points. But as usual, I’m exercising my right to disagree on some .

> The usual double standards of the Indian mentality may not permit us to believe so because for many, divorce is still perceived as a ‘Western Culture’ phenomenon and something that is completely anti-Indian maryada.

Believe what? That divorces are increasing in numbers? Who’s doubting that? And of course the trend has a lot to owe to western influences. Why deny that? Just because it’s western influence doesn’t make it bad. The factors contributing to divorce are not western, but that people are now actually exercising that choice has got to do with western influences, which have lessened the social stigma.

> But the fact remains that divorces, extra marital affairs, etc do take place in our very own neighborhood and in some cases have also accepted them as long as they remain away from the public eye.

Increasing divorces, as in legal separation, is comparatively recent. Long back, girls used to come back home to their parents. One of my aunt did come back to live with my grandfather, for instance. Never divorced. Failed but continuing marriages, or just ghar-wapsi of the above sort, has been around. Extra marital affairs, of course have been around.

> Giving into society or family pressures is simply not a good enough reason – at the end of it all, it’s your life.

Well, good enough is a very personal/subjective term. Yes, at the end of it, it’s your life. But families are a support system for most people. So people bow to those pressures because they are not sure of living on their own. Which is a choice one must respect. It’s *their* life. It’s a *selfish* choice — to stay in a failed marriage because of family pressures, as selfish as walking out. And nothing wrong in either.

> Even when it comes to kids, how can a child be happy living day-in and day-out with parents who don’t love each other and are only role-playing for the sake of making it work?

That’s a tough question. Each and everyone faced with it needs to answer it for themselves. Some can some cannot. Lot of marriages survive without love. It’s a practical arrangement too, you know.

> And the view that children from divorced marriages are more likely to turn out miserable and unsuccessful is simply irrational and out-dated.

Why is it irrational? It could be factually incorrect, of course, but that just means in a sample that was taken that was true. There are no “rational” truths in developmental psychology. Just empirical ones. But irrational? A divorce can be a very traumatic event for children, especially in tender age. Childhood traumas can dent a person’s long term personality quite significantly. A healthy, caring environment, good friends/partner in later life, significantly strong single parent, and so on can help in getting over that trauma, and a person can lead as successful life as any other, but the concern for the well-being of child is anything but irrational. Of course the answer is not to just go through the motions and live together for the sake of child. But calling either of those concern irrational is really not fair. And an out-dated view might become vogue again, you know. That doesn’t mean a thing. All it means is how many people believe in it at present.

regards,
asuph.

hi Sakshi, i read your blog with interest, i live is Canada where divorce is very common and marraige is a dying institution .. in fact many of my freinds envy Indians there stable maraiges ..i’ve been married 6 and a half yrs, it hasnt been all a bed of roses but basically a happy marraige ..we have a lovely baby boy …now a days people are too selfish to adjust and too quick to leave ..it is disastrous for the kids ..kids need both parents to flourish

Forgive me for disagreeing with you Saakshi but it is more a matter of degree rather than a categorical, divorce is the right thing or not. As a person with divorced Indian parents, I can attest to the fact that Indian families and Indian society in general, is a very unaccommodating of people who come from such backgrounds. They are viewed as dysfunctional, psychologically troubled, or substandard in some way. Indian parents who have children must take the social ramifications of their divorce on their children, into consideration before severing their knot. The consequences are felt not only by the individuals who married, but to a greater degree by the children they chose to have during their marriage. Because in India, marriages are between families rather than between individuals, there is a tendency to typecast groups of people, inclusive of children.

Divorce is probably the worst thing that can ever happen to a person, and its increasing acceptance in Indian society, which is undoubtedly the result of American influence, is troubling. As an eligible male in his late 20′s, I find myself having to take the possibility of divorce into account, and marriage is seeming like an illogical commitment in many ways.

This comment is only in context of DELHI region

In Delhi, most of the divorces in educated middle/ upper-middle class are being initiated by WOMEN. In fact it may be as high as 90% & yes, I don’t have the exact statistics to back this statement – but frankly, do we really need to refer to some official paper when this stark reality is taking place all around us.
After a divorce, men face a lot of problems. First, its the room, you have to clean it your self. Second, its the maid, they are afraid to work for single men. Third is of course, the all important food. Fourth, ………., …cant think of any.

In delhi, on a Saturday night, you go to any pub and you will find divorced girls desperately trying to latch on to a man, any man. And the population is only increasing. Even the parents, who had prompted & supported her to get divorce from that horrible man, have given up trying to stop the daughter.
You go anywhere in Delhi, & there are divorced women (with extra make-up)as receptionists/ assistants etc in offices (all started with dreams of becoming CEOs), and running boutiques selling tasteless clothing, trying to pay bills if the alimony cheque is bounced, this month. At home, if a divorced women is living with her parents, she is a second rate child, with the unmarried & mariied brother & sister slowly trying to make her feel substandard. And God forbid if your brothers wife doesn’t like you, she can be worse than any mother-in-law. Parents trying desperately to get her married off again but burdened continuously with comparisons with the first husband and effort to better it. I can go on & on. And the only consolation for her is that she knows a lot of other divorced women all around & the press in general term them as “Modern and Free”.

The best phase for a women in divorce process is the time between separation with husband & actual legal divorce. She gets extra love from Parents, society & siblings, her husband continuously begs her for reconsideration, the Law of India is amazingly biased in favour of her and she dreams of a better life.

Of course, there are genuine cases where due to serious matters, divorce is the only option, but Sakshi, who decides what is serious enough & what is not. The funny thing is 1. How many women will admit to unimaginable compromises after divorce 2. How many men will admit a slow dawn of exhiliration after divorce.

The only sad consequence here is the child of divorced parents. Your brushing off this serious issue does not make it any less important. A child deserves both parents.

In my opinion Delhi region divorce cases are different from Central & south India and I am incapable of commenting on these.

I am really sorry to say but its the huge lot of people like you who have brainwashed the present generation making “DIVORCE” as not a big deal.It’s because of this school of thought that today people have stopped valuing relationships and they are loosing their faith in the institution of marriage. People these days file for divorce within the few months of their marriage because they fear all those difficultises that come on their way to adjust as two partners and all those responsibilties and sacrifices that any marriage demands from both the sides….sometimes out of infatuation people make big big promises and create a rosy rosy picture of marriage and very unwisely get married only to realise later after marriage that he/she is not in love with the other partner but then the other one suffers. I am sorry to say that but due to your kind of school of thought people like us suffer who still beleive that it takes a lot of effort to make a relationship,love is not everything to make a relationship but its also about the promises that you make to each other and thereby sticking to those promises and not forgoing them with change in moods or some cicumstances in your life,its also about putting an endless effort which is required to make a bond and not breaking it just because you never had paitience to take up the responsibilities…not only arrange marriges but love marriages are fast breaking down because people now a days people find it difficult to sacrifice their own selfish interests for the sake of the relationship because they know that they have an easy way out to escape in the name of “DIVORCE”.They have no patience to bear a relationship for that long because they know that they can easily escape from it by easily breaking it away by the kind help of divorce

Sakshi, I hate to be butting in but I went through Jasmine’s comment and thought it warrants a response from someone who has been through the process. I apologize for debating on your comment thread but I couldn’t resist it.

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Jasmine, mature adults who get into a marriage have the good sense to evaluate whether or not the institution deserves further work before walking away from the ruins. Social nonchalance or frivolity with respect to matrimony cannot convince a loving, mature couple to call it quits simply because it is projected as “easy” or “acceptable”. That is a silly extrapolation at best.

Reducing the social stigma associated with divorce only serves to ease the bitterness surrounding the decision making process and saves the children caught in this process of the angst they would’ve otherwise suffered. Just as social pressure does not and should not keep a couple together, similarly social allowances cannot possibly account for people walking out on their marriages on a whim. If they do that then they weren’t mature enough to be in a marriage in the first place. And if they are mature enough then they should also realize that a marriage takes work.

Ultimately it shouldn’t be anybody else’s business whether or not two people want to spend a lifetime with each other. Society is merely a reflection of our individual mentalities. Evolution demands that our mentalities change and accommodate the future.

Equality between the genders and the current shifting man-woman equation has significantly altered the very essence of the institution of marriage. At a time such as this people no longer feel the need to look around and ensure public approval before they make a life altering decision. So your accusations of “….its the huge lot of people like you who have brainwashed the present generation making “DIVORCE” as not a big deal” are baseless.

I have gone through all the blogs…I am in the process of filing a divorce so really want to know the pros and cons of it…mine was a love marriage a year and a half back and slowly i started feeling that hes not the one for me because of everyday fights and least possible help i got from his side and his habbit of drinking. I have had sleepless nights crying over it, but then we stayed 8 months away frm eachother due to our jobs, all these months I became more strong to leave him and we both faught like hell. During this time, I met a guy whom I find very nice and supporting, he is ready to marry me once I get divorced and separated.

Now I want to start a new life where I will out an end to my worries for once..
But I am just worried of the fact that it should not happen again in my life which would be really miserable..