Okay, now before you jump to conclusions here, this post is not dedicated to certain Hashmi from the (in) famous Bhatt camp. As a matter of fact, it is sort of a personal post – personal not as in about me but more so about your thoughts.
Frankly speaking, I have had numerous discussions on this be it with cousins, friends and at times even with random strangers. Obviously, like most discussions even here no concrete conclusions were drawn but I did find it some-what fascinating to hear out the “reasonsâ€â€¦.one gave to back their preference.
Since I believe (though I wouldn’t count on it) most at least some TEIO’s readers have a mature thinking capacity, I guess it’s time for me to place my question up here. But once again would like state, Yes this is more on a “delicate†level, so if it does offend you….just remember it isn’t intentional.
So here we go: Would you get into a “serious†relationship (and I mean with the objective of ending it with marriage) with someone, who you knew had a very “active†past?
Let me emphasis more on my question, with the reasoning behind the side I choose.
To be very clear here, I don’t think I would allow myself to be involved with a person who has gone thru a number of “intimate†relationships. Not that I am saying I want the other party to be “doodh ka dhula huaâ€, as a matter of fact “nil†relationships and that too after crossing over the 25 mark, will all the more be a reason for worry. What I mean here is that we kind of set a threshold level – more than 5 serious relationships (irrespective of the fact that they were all at the same time or over the years), “bang†the person is dropped off the consideration list.
Now some may argue, “Love cannot be planned, it just happensâ€â€¦.I totally agree but then if I talk about myself, mentally I don’t think I would permit myself to fall for someone who has gone thru relationships at a faster pace than I have with my foreign travels – no matter how much I like them. For me the bothering factor is just one thing and that is “Trustâ€. I mean how you can trust someone for whom it is so easy to get in-n-out of relationships in a jiffy? I know it ain’t piece of cake for sure, at least not for me.
On a similar note, one really wonders how these famous starlets manage to get over their past and jump straight into someone else’s pants, are they born with a certain “get going†strand in their DNA? – I mean take a look at now single, Padma Lakshmi.
Again not that I am saying there is anything wrong with it, but yaar there definitely should be a limit to how much of your inner self you can share with a number of people over a period of time.
Anyway, this is what I think and as per the rule, now it’s your turn.
Comments
24 comments | Add your comment »
ranajith
Jul 19th, 2007 at 7:25 am | #
3 should be the limit
M
Jul 19th, 2007 at 7:28 am | #
Highly unlikely. Any feeling I have for this person will most likely originate strictly below the waist. It wouldn’t even be a question of “permitting myself” to fall for her… used goods just doesn’t have what it takes to get me going. I wouldn’t buy a 3rd hand DVD player either
feelingflirty
Jul 19th, 2007 at 7:36 am | #
Why not? There’s nothing wrong with that.. If you really love the person and you find happiness in your relationship, why not? Past is past..and there’s nothing you can do to turn back time. I like your blog and will link one of your posts from my blog at feelingflirty.com and I’d appreciate it if you could do the same. Let me know at feelingflirty@gmail.com.
meetu
Jul 19th, 2007 at 10:12 am | #
Hmmm…Sakshi…what happens if you fall in love and find the “number” out later? Or is the plan to ask for the number at the very outset?
As far as my opinion goes, i think a certain amount of exclusivity is not too much to ask for…
IdeaSmith
Jul 19th, 2007 at 10:57 am | #
You know….I think everyone starts off that way then after awhile you just lose count and decide to forget how to, just to keep yourself sane. While I don’t endorse promiscuity, I think its important to keep your mind (and heart) open. Some relationships turn out really bad but that’s no reason to condemn yourself to loneliness thereafter…and hence, why do the same to anyone else either? Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has the right to start on a new leaf.
Shaan Khan
Jul 19th, 2007 at 4:13 pm | #
When you go to a restaurant, you know that the silver and porcelain have been used a few times before. When you go to a Hotel you know that the bed and the toilet have been used before. In all such cases as long as you are sure that “things are clean†you don’t mind participating. Being in love with someone who has had an active past is about the same. The definition of “clean†changes and takes on mutli layers (physical, as well as emotional) but at the end of the day it is the same as the example I have cited.
I have been in and out of serious love many a times. It is impossible to manage the entries and the exits in such matters. Life is complex, the mind is complex and hence there cannot be any guarantee that love will last. I once wooed an angel who was in a relationship with another man (just dating not married) and won her over, not only that I even got engaged to her only to find that she was not in my destiny (and for no fault of hers or mine).
At the end what matters is whether there exist honesty and whether there is a bedrock on which trust and compassion can be built. The past does not matter, and the future is as always in “God’s handâ€.
Naresh
Jul 19th, 2007 at 6:39 pm | #
This is like a girl kissing Emraan Hashmi
Abhinav
Jul 19th, 2007 at 8:21 pm | #
I guess not.Firstly,it’s not because of experience or the number of relationships(”damn she’s had 6 relationships not 5,i can’t marry her,thats one over the limit”) or anything to do with used goods(M:if you have been involved in some past relationship,that makes you a used material as well) but there will always be a certain insecurity inside me.Insecurity about commitment and yes trust.
Jobin
Jul 19th, 2007 at 9:44 pm | #
Nice to read your views on entering into a relationship with a serial lover.
I’ve read a few of your posts. Seems like you are caught between the need to assert your individuality and your longing to find a suitable husband.. well, it is pretty obvious from the fact that you are obsessed with the theme of marriage.
good luck!
Saakshi O. Juneja
Jul 20th, 2007 at 5:50 am | #
Jobin – Wow, now that’s a discovery – finally someone has shown me my path of enlightenment. However on a more serious note; Dude, I frankly give a flying crap about your drawn conclusion but FYI…I am 28 years old and IF marriage was my obsession then I would have been a mother of three by now. From your comment all I can understand is that…everything that you have read here has barely managed to tinge your thinking capacity.
Anyway, you can draw whatever assumptions as you please and yeah, thanks for dropping by.
Saakshi O. Juneja
Jul 20th, 2007 at 6:02 am | #
Meetu – Don’t you think it’s best to gather as much information as one can in the initial meet-ups and thereby avoid shockers at a more intense stage?
IdeaSmith – As I said, not that I think it’s wrong, I mean who the heck am to judge anyone’s personal choices but to think of it, how many such bad relationships can one have?
Others – There is no question such as “being used†and the likes, I mean if we technically go by it then a person would be considered “used†just after one relationship and NOT after 3 or 6. Plus matters of being sexually involved is also a little irrelevant, one can be intimate with the other even without sleeping with them. As I mentioned in the post, my biggest concern is to do with the “TRUST†factor – how would I know that the opposite person is taking me seriously and I won’t end up as a name on the long list of previous flings.
shadows
Jul 20th, 2007 at 6:41 am | #
Sakshi,
Like I have said here before(on some other post).. if someone has had one previous BF/GF (serious relationship, not the college BF/GF types, where if a guy and a girl talk, the friends start teasing them and make them an item !! ), and they broke off, maybe it really did not work out. If someone has had two BF/GF previously, then again its chance or coincidence.. three might be chance or coincidence..
But if someone has had 10 previous BF/GFs , then
1. Either the person is a flirt and wham-bam-thank-u-mam(or sir) types
2. Or there is something really wrong with the person.
What do you think ?? Is it not reasonable? Just think who would you trust more - a person with 2 previous relationships, or one with 10 previous relationships (of course, he must not be your relative, or friend, etc. ) . Of course, this is a generalization, it depends on the circumstances. Maybe a person with 3 broken affairs is a better person than one with no affairs !! But still…. you get the idea..
shadows
Jul 20th, 2007 at 6:51 am | #
Also, though I have never been into any relationship, I will state my comments as per accounts of friends lives, conversations with friends and cousins, and what I have observed etc.
1. The excitement of being with a person diminishes everytime after a broken affair.
2. Something very similar goes for virginity too, and at a deeper level.
The rush that you get the first time when you fall in love is never the same as the fifth time. Maybe one will feel that its the same, but actually it isnt. A string of broken serious affairs also means the person has withdrawn to some extent, he will not give his 100% to the new relationship so easily, and will be somewhat wary of hurting himself again. In contrast, one or two broken relationships also cause a person to handle the next relationship much more carefully, and he will give more effort to make it work. But still the excitement, the “josh” is not there the next time..
Note - Read “he” as he or she, etc. in all my comments.
shadows
Jul 20th, 2007 at 6:55 am | #
>>> Just think who would you trust more - a person with 2 previous relationships, or one with 10 previous relationships (of course, he must not be your relative, or friend, etc. )
Sakshi,
I just reread what I posted.. Dont misunderstand, I was talking solely about the trust factor here.. I meant to say that a relative or a friend is always your relative or a friend, no matter what and hence this question of trust does not apply equally !! I mean to say that the person must be a third person here…
Navin
Jul 20th, 2007 at 7:17 am | #
You wanted opinions of random strangers; here you go:
Doesn’t it all really depend upon what you want?
If what you want is an exclusive life-long relationship, then a serial lover is a bad idea. After the number of relationships crosses a certain figure, one has to conclude that this person either does not want, or is in capable of having a exclusive committed relationship.
But then it is not necessary that every one wants a relationship that is exclusive or life-long. You could really relax either one or both of those requirements and then be perfectly happy with the serial lover. In fact, it would probably be significantly more exciting and possibly romantic than a rock steady relationship. Because, you can’t really feel a thrill unless there is some danger, some risk. A walk in the park is not really exciting. Jumping off a cliff with a bungee cord tied to your ankle is.
The main thing that makes life complicated is that many people don’t really know what they want. Or, they want contradictory things - i.e. stability as well as the excitement. If you had to choose, what would you choose? Really, it is not an easy choice - as is obvious from Sakshi’s own struggle between the need to assert her individuality and the longing to find a suitable husband (sorry, couldn’t resist
Born a Libran
Jul 20th, 2007 at 12:21 pm | #
In the beginning, I might not be able to trust the person a lot because of her active past. But I am sure I will give her a chance to win my trust and I would hope she would give me some time to digest her active past. Time and patience is all it may need but I do believe that no matter how active her past, I would give her a chance.
PS: How does one set a boundary for this? So people with 4 serious relationships are ok but not 5… If 4 is ok, then why not u being the 5th. Setting such boundaries is BS IMHO.
Full2njoy
Jul 20th, 2007 at 12:53 pm | #
kya fark padta hai yaar if you date a serial lover or anything. At the end of the day, “bandar jitna bhi boodha ho jaaye, gulati maarna nahin bhoolta”. Its the same for men/women.
There is nothing called monogamy. Human beings were never meant to be monogamous. Forget what our elders or religious leaders tell us. If anyone claims that he/she is totally dedicated to his wife/husband, then its nothing but a plain load of bullcrap. He/she is just trying to save his/her backside. Simple.
Marriage is just a game of chance. Get into a relationship with an open mind. Dont try to change your partner. Accept a person for what he/she is and everything will be fine. If your partner truly loves you, they will change and vice versa.
I was what you call a “serial lover” one at one point of time in my life. Had 3 GFs at the same time in the same city. No one suspected anything and i was never caught. I got bored and kept moving on to other girls/women. I finally met my match in the hands of a girl who i came to know later was a “serial lover” herself.
Bas….hisaab baraabar.
My friend always says this. “Aadmi kiske liye jeeta hai? Pet ke liye aur pet ke neeche ke liye”. I find that statement perfect.
To answer your question above. Yes, i dont mind getting into serious relationship concluding in a marriage with a woman who has had a colorful past. That doesnt mean that iam willing to accept a HIV+ woman. Let’s not kid ourselves. Iam not Jesus Christ, nor do i intend to be.
Sorry, i used up a lot of ur blog space
Amrita
Jul 20th, 2007 at 6:43 pm | #
Saks, hmmm… It would depend on the quality of the relationships and the person involved. If he was just dating for a long time I wouldnt mind: i’d have health concerns maybe but thats about it. But I wouldnt get all huffy about someone exploring their options - i’d rather they did it before marriage and not after
If he was involved in several long term relationships and nothing came of it, then i’d wonder what his problem was. I mean there are commitment issues and then there’s commitment phobia.
But once you’ve made up your mind that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have to close your eyes and make the jump. It’s tough, which is why I’m still unmarried today
IdeaSmith
Jul 21st, 2007 at 10:27 am | #
How many? Like I said in my earlier comment, Saks, who’s counting? We date the same people in different bodies. We make the same delightful (and dreadful) mistakes again and again.
the mad momma
Jul 21st, 2007 at 9:17 pm | #
well.. I can’t say I would.. because that would really depend on the person and a dozen other things.. but I will say that its not enough reason not to. sometimes things just keep going wrong…. and who knows… you, as the 12th.. might just be the person. its hard for the right person and the right time to work in tandem. that said, i am 28 and have two kids.. only because the pieces just fell in to place early.. i think i shall tag myself to do this better on my own blog!
and really girl!! you need to get over this obsession with marriage… have you noticed the amount of concern for you??… (gasppp) 28 and not married and writing such provocative posts!!! :p
Saakshi O. Juneja
Jul 23rd, 2007 at 11:50 am | #
Amrita - Don’t worry, me in the same boat as you.
IdeaSmith - Babes, I am not talking about simply “dates”, here I mean full-blown relationships. As Amrita mentioned in her comment “If he was involved in several long term relationships and nothing came of it, then i’d wonder what his problem was”.
Th Mad Momma - Yup, me too taken by suprise (shock)…so much concern at times is just too hard to digest.
Matt
Jul 24th, 2007 at 9:31 pm | #
Sakshi,
This is not about numbers or Past is Past, or can you Trust someone who has been through several.. etc.
It is about not ‘falling’ into love. It is about walking into love. Which is what you are already doing - you have put some thought into it.
Someone who can think up to this point - they are safe. No mistakes for you, I think! Trouble lies in wait only for those who can’t even ASK the questions you ask.
Ashutosh
Jul 25th, 2007 at 10:58 pm | #
So do you have an idea of the number of times a guy should not have exceeded being in a relationship, so that you could feel secure? Ballpark?
Yossarian
Aug 24th, 2007 at 4:23 pm | #
Her opinion’s got ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with “assertion of individuality” or “longing to find a perfect partner”. Most of you’ve missed her point completely!