The M Word – The ABCD of Marriage
These days the ‘M’ word is being used most often in my house. Now the ‘M’ here stands for ‘Marriage’, a word I am not too fond off. Being 26 years old, I do understand my mum’s worries and her wish to see me settled in life… but it’s just that I feel if you are not ready, then it’s not worth jumping into a lifelong commitment such as this.
It wouldn’t be wrong to say that tradition is very strong in our Indian society and it dictates many aspects of our lives. In India, regardless of religious differences, caste, class or regional location, tradition makes particular demands on the way women live their lives - from the clothes that they can wear and their mobility to the kind of jobs they can take up. I remember when I was leaving for further studies to Australia, my whole family was fine with my decision….but just at the last moment my mum started having second thoughts about sending me away from home at the “tender age” of 16. This momentary hesitation was less of her making and more of what her friends said. It’s another thing that I was able to get her to let go of her fears, but that was just one instance when I realized the hold society can have on an individual.
Just couple of days back I had this ‘gentleman’ come home, for whom my mum especially asked me to take half-day from work. He was a marriage broker: A man who specializes in fixing Punjabi and Sindhi marriages. An old man, around 55 years, not very fluent in English, but I have to admit, updated with today’s arranged marriage trends.
He started of asking me what sort of guy I am looking for - who would qualify as an ‘ideal’ husband in my book. As he was the last person I would discuss this topic with, I kept avoiding his questions with a smile, trying very hard not to be rude.
Another thing which I am sure many are aware of is the importance given to another ‘M’ word especially among the North Indians. Giving ‘marriage’ company is the ‘money’ factor. “Don’t go for a disco-going type of boy; first see how much money he has in his pocket”. He further went on to explain the alphabet of bride/groom hunting, even if, he informed me, we cannot have all the factors working in our favor.
A - Abilities (profession/business, is he a good cook, etc.) B - Bank balance (self explanatory) C - Character (attitude, behavior, etc.) D - Domestic (family, social standing) E - Education (didn’t matter, as long as the money is good) F - Fitness (Physical appearance)
I am not too sure what really upset me about this meeting. Now I agree money is important, but I wouldn’t let it dominate and take priority over my choice of a soul mate. Nor would I go about finding my soul mate checklist in hand.
Some of my relatives think that my overseas education has made me ‘fussy’ and ‘choosey’, but I am sure that there are many… many young women out there who feel the same way as I do. Maybe I am influenced by the advantages of modern life. Education, jobs, friends, and money are increasingly changing the image that women have of themselves. Maybe I am just one of those many young women who have aspirations that do not fit in with the traditional feminine roles of wife and mother. But must I face an identity crisis on account of this?
As women, we have to undergo many changes after marriage. Our name, our home, new people and environment and often, a profession to give up. I sometimes wonder why most men have ‘stag nights’ or ‘bachelor’s night’ before their weddings and crib that marriage binds them down and takes away their independence. Especially since women are the ones who are expected to change our whole identity overnight.
All I know is that as women we should try our best to not get caught in the web of familial expectations imposed in part by tradition, in part by societal pressure. We need to change the social environment that conditions women to think of themselves as reproductive beings, because in the long run, this will only stifle their individual personalities.
We all have a right to express our views. In many instances; it will be against ours and in some; with us. To hear them out is 'decency' but to let them get to you is 'weakness'. 
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[…] Sakshi is not only nursing a broken hand but also withstanding social pressures of getting married. She gets the inside info on ‘latest trends in arranged marriage’ from a ‘marriage broker’. […]
Pingback by DesiPundit » The ‘M’ word — February 21, 2006 @ 8:47 pm
[…] The concept of arranged marriages in India puts an extra pressure on women to not only succumb to being a certian type but also attempt to marry a man who falls into certain “types”. More on the marriage blues by Sakshi. […]
Pingback by Global Voices Online » Blog Archive » India: The arranged marriage — February 21, 2006 @ 10:21 pm
arranged marriage and marriage brokers
Pingback by news views and analysis — February 21, 2006 @ 10:46 pm
Arranged Marriages and 20/20 Just today there was a post aboutarranged marriage and marriage brokers by Sakshi on TEIO. She writes about the pressures that Indian women go through as they become of marriagable age. As much as it sounds cheesy…the phrase that comes to mind is “single and ready to mingle”. Nothwithstanding some really crass and crude
Pingback by news views and analysis — March 1, 2006 @ 2:31 am
[…] This time round, the ‘M’ word had apparently crossed borders; it had traveled with me to Delhi. It was being used practically in every sentence with my name init. The bottom funda here is that, it’s just me and my cousin sister who are at the so-called ‘right age’ to take a plunge into the ‘pavitra bandhan’. And I being the older one was mostly the center of shaadi talks. Its funny to see that people instead of making the most of the wedding function they are present in - already start planning for next candidate. So here I was, getting serious advice on marriage from the grown ups; the ones who have seen the world and experienced life more than me. It’s all good and frankly I didn’t mind it, but what really pisses me off is when people assume that I have all along been very choosey and overly pampered by my folks and that’s why even at the age of 26, I am without my ‘pati parmatma’. But I kept my tongue very much wrapped up in my mouth, because frankly my words would have made no-sense to them. After all, ‘I am not ready’, has never been considered a correct and valid reason for avoiding marriage, at least not in my family. There were nights, when the whole clan (old & young) would sit down to chat, catch up on old times and then for some god for-saken reason, they would gang up on me. Asking all daunting questions, the types a girl will surely avoid?definitely avoid in front of hard-core Punjabi crowd. “What’s your dream man like, Saku?”, “Why didn’t you find one in Sydney, yaar?”, “You sure you don’t have anyone in mind? Inter-caste would do re.”, “You have already seen 5 boys, how many more?”, “You will be a buddhi by the time you have kids?” - These are just the tip of the ice-berg. Its not that I am against marriage or anything like that but when you think about it as a life-long commitment - well it makes me practically shit bricks. The reason could be that I never thought that I would have to use my parent’s contacts to find a match, always believed that I would land-up having a ‘love-marriage’ - a wishful thinking. Another really scary bit is that in us North Indian, we don’t generally leave much gap between the engagement and marriage; max to max 6 months. […]
Pingback by The ‘M’ word - Part 2 at To Each It’s Own — May 3, 2006 @ 3:15 pm
[…] on ‘To Each Its Own’) Saakshi O. Juneja is an active blogger, feminist and overboard dog lover. Currently working as a […]
Pingback by Desicritics.org: The 'M' Word — March 7, 2007 @ 5:26 am
[…] Posts - Part 1, Part 2 and Part […]
Pingback by To Each Its Own » Archives » The ‘M’ Word (Part 4) - The Dented Mentality — November 17, 2007 @ 5:57 am
Comments
33 comments | Leave your comment
Feb 21st, 2006 at 8:43 am | #
Hi Sakshi,
Now, we all know whats been keeping you busy from posting discussions less than usual on this blog.:D Well, I would like to state my opinion on your topic..since I thought it quite relevant-well not so much relevant but since I have my own wedding in about 3 weeks. I just couldn’t resist dropping a line or more..
I am sure you have a lot of mixed thoughts running in your head especially since you’re getting it more so from your own family.I can only imagine what it must be like for you especially in India.Although, the “M” word is a scary scary thing to even consider, you know better than just ignoring and leaving it on the backburner since you know you eventually will be tying the knot- and yes it will be a turning point in your life and it should be nothing but good!Since, you and only you decide who you would be spending the rest of your life with( I know how Arranged Mariage is still quite a common concept in India) you are still entitled to meet the guy and get to know him before taking the plunge.
I met my fiance’ about two years ago- and much to my own surprise it was on none other than the most hyped “Shaadi.com”. I was on it for fun and didn’t expect anything serious out of it. But then, as they say Expect the unexpected!We took our time to get to know each other ( not virtually over the Internet but in real life) by meeting soon after we contacted each other via e-mail.
Marriage is a union between a man and a woman wherein they both contribute equally into the relationship and make it a stronger bond. But, if often is the case that both the guy and girl chip in since the norms of society are such that it is expected of women to “compromise” and they are mostly taken for granted. But, times are changing now and even though traditions are quite inherent in the Indian Society it is educated families/kids that need to change the mindset of yester years. I just think it depends on how each individual views it and how varied is each person’s view.
As for myself, that is what I personally think. And just to let you know as well that I am also having a little “Hen’s Night” for myself- since I feel I equally deserve to have a wonderful time!:D
PS: Sorry bout the really long post..
Feb 21st, 2006 at 8:55 am | #
Utsa - Firstly, its been my broken hand that kept me away from blogging and not ‘marriage’ issues. The thing is that I am not against arranged marriage at all, its just the way it is approached at times that puts me off completely. As for my family, believe me they have been very very understanding….cause in Punjus, girls are married off by 23 yrs max. My post is more on the way society rules our day-to-day life and how un-preditcable women’s role in the society is. We are at times made to believe something and then asked to do something completely opposite.
Anyways, I appreciate your comment and wish you the very best for the future. Keep dropping by…
Feb 21st, 2006 at 10:37 am | #
but I heared you are a lesbian and are proud of it ?
really confused
Feb 21st, 2006 at 11:25 am | #
Regular Reader - Ohhhh….holy macoroni !!! my secret is out….anywaz whether I am a heterosexual or homosexual, don’t matter !! But I am definately PROUD of being a women.
Feb 21st, 2006 at 1:48 pm | #
Proud of being a woman is alright, madam. I just was thinking whom will you get arranged to marry - another women or man? If it is a woman, I have nothing to say. I can’t. But if it is going to be a man, then it involves a lot of issues which you have to explain to morons like yours faithfully. I know there are issues. But what are they?. Explain from a feminist point of view.
Feb 21st, 2006 at 3:07 pm | #
Hi, I just saw this on desicritic.org and I must say its a very well-written article. You have really exposed a fundamental issue in our South Asian culture. Unfortunately we never see much or read about these issues that much!!
Feb 21st, 2006 at 5:29 pm | #
Regular Reader - Do I really need to explain myself to YOU, I dont think so. As for marriage, be it with same sex or the other…mostly requires same commitment and dedication. As for issues being involved, well firstly would just like you to know that they are not ‘feminist’ oriented…I am sure there are many young guys out there, who have similar issues when it comes to marriage. What I meant from the post, is that ‘marriage’ and ‘money’ is what dominates the Indian society….and how the society pressures can effect an individual’s life.
Feb 21st, 2006 at 6:19 pm | #
c’mon, am not at all interested in you explaining YOURSELF to ME. My comments were warranted because you thouroughly mixed up ‘your own family story’ with the larger issue - marriage, and how women have to change themselves etc. So I thought, in your case, there are himalayan differences in the kind of changes YOU have to undergo than others. You never made it clear, right?
P.S: I dont think guys are whining much :-))
Feb 21st, 2006 at 7:56 pm | #
regular reader
I think it is abhorable for someone like you to comment on something u have no idea or clue about. How difficult can it be for you to read the article and take its intrinsic meaning. What do you get out of casting aspersions on someone’s personal character ??
And on top of that you make it sound as if it is a crime.
Get a life pal.
This is one time when i feel blogs fail. Anyone can leave any comment/insult/slur/castigation and you cant do a damn about it. In real life you would have got one tight slap.
Sakshi….i realize that you want to be as open and honest about what you write. But allowing such comments to remain on your post devalues the meaningful discussion that it should otherwise generate.
Feb 21st, 2006 at 8:43 pm | #
Sakshi, don’t feed the trolls…they always come back for more.
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 4:08 am | #
Arzan and Patrix - Thanks for the support and advise.
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 4:33 am | #
Sakshi, I can so empathise with you. I got married very late in my life (when I was 28). I lost my father when I was 22, and there were hawks all around my mother trying to convince her it is best to have me married sooner rather than later. Well, it just didn’t have any affect on me. I told my mom that I would marry only when I felt I was ready for it. I had a boyfriend (my husband today) at that age, and even that didn’t seem reasonable enough for me to rush to the altar. Trust me it was difficult, spurning all those “offers” but sometimes you have to stick to what you believe in, even if it means you have to be blunt and rude. I know in India a lot of decisions seem to be taken by those around you rather than yourselves; I have always made a conscious effort to ensure it doesn’t happen in my life. Yes, people talk; but to me they are just wagging tongues and nothing more. So, despite the number of times the ‘M’ word is dropped on your head, duck away but don’t give in. :).
And yes, we women do deserve the “spinster’s night” much more than the guys do. So, when the time comes, have a blast!
PS: Sorry for the long comment.
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 5:26 am | #
Sakshi…
Marriage is very beautiful thing if approached it the right way. I have been married for little more than a year.
Myths about marriage
- The girl is expected to change - Not true at all. It’s up to each individual
- The girl moves away from home - Actually it is not only that the girl moves away but even the guy does. Husband and wife are each other’s family.
- U loose ur independence - Again not true, if u choose to loose it yes u do, but u can be a wife and still have ur independence.
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 6:09 am | #
Hey, delete my comment if you feel like. I still do not think what i commented is wrong.
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 6:16 am | #
It was quite an informative post, neatly written. I am very very vocal againts letting one’s life dictated by traditions or other people’s expectation, whoever the other people maybe…. to each it’s own!!
Slightly off the topic, but the presure to get married is for all…
It is age specific rather than sex specific I’d say. lol
BTW bachelor’s night is quite common amongs girls too these days..
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 6:47 am | #
Emma - Firstly, thanks for your ‘Long’ comment. You have basically putforth the excat point that I wanted to put across my post. The reason for writing is not that I am pressured….my family has been very patient with me, it’s just that there are so many women in similar situation or even worse, who have no choice or courage to stand up for their own beliefs. Forever we are asked to give in…in the name of family, society, culture. But it’s good to see things are changeing….but it’s still a long road ahead.
Tony - I agree, the pressure is for all…thats what I wrote in my reply to Regular Reader. As for Spinster’s night….well its more common in the West..but the trend is picking up here too.
Regular Reader - You have a right to your view, thats why I didnot delete your comment. Maybe if you could have put your comment in appropriate words….than it would have excepted. Anywaz, as for mixing my personal life with issue in hand…all I can say is that we all learn something from our experiences and if you feel others can relate to it….then why not write about it. And than again….it is my blog afterall.
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 10:44 am | #
All the remarks about marriage remind of actress Rani Mukherjee’s remarks in the movie “Hum-tum” about Indians’ obsession with their daughters marriage.
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 10:58 am | #
. I sometimes wonder why most men have ‘bucks night’ or ‘bachelors night’ before their wedding and always crib that marriage binds them down and takes away their independence. On the other hand, it should us women having such nights because frankly we are the ones who expected to change our whole identity over night.
Well…. I’d beg to differ ! Both guys and girls are expected to change a lot after marriage !!
Feb 22nd, 2006 at 3:12 pm | #
Regarding the guys commenting that they are losing the freedom is because generally they are not answerable to anyone, and then later, they have to think for one more person, and then realise that half the stuff they do or the places they go, can’t be visited as a couple. Hence the cribbing. Otherwise, it is tough for both the sides. The toughest thing seems like getting settled with someone completely unknown. In hostel, you have to tolerate your room-mate for a few months, or ask for a change. Here it is mostly for long term. And no matter how much you date others, there are some aspects you can never really find out, unless you are with the other person for full 24 hours.
Mar 7th, 2006 at 5:59 am | #
guys first time am on this blog and Well everyone thanks for this entire exchange. I can so truly understand Sakshi’s point of view. Am in the same boat currently. Am 27 and not married. Not even sure if i want to get married but am going ahead with the so called meeting guys because it’ll make my parents happy and maybe I’ll know what I want
The whole thing is that marriage is so UNIVERSAL in India. If you’re not married by xyz age something is wrong and the whole world will think they have a right to try and get u hooked. thakfully my parents are extremely understanding and they know that i will not marry till i’m very sure of the person. so it cannot be a traditional arranged marriage where u meet for some 10 mins and decide to spend ur life together always
i was surprised when well educated, so called braod minded boys made comments like- o what about a girl’s career, she shouldn’t plan anything long term till she gets married coz that will depend on where the guy is- i’m like EXCUSE ME and GET LOST. second ” o why r u thinking of buying a house in bombay ul be getting married” woo hoo..my entire life and plans shpuld depend on marriage??/
ALl the guys over here be honest isn’t this the way ur brain works. why doesn’t a woman have dreams and ambitions and expectations from life other than marriage. is this sounding evry feminist, am sorry- not the intention
im not against marriage at all. but like rightly said TO EACH HIS OWN. a person i believe should do only what makes them happy ( as long as it doesn’t trouble others too much -only ppl who care)
again a person’s sexual preference is a matter of personal choice. NOBODY has a right to comment on whether its right or wrong. anyway that is a totally different discussion which can lead into pages
guess its become too long…..but its straight from the heart
May 9th, 2006 at 7:03 am | #
Marriage is not neccessary ..it’s jus a mental constrant.
just EVOLVE.
May 25th, 2006 at 3:35 pm | #
26 may be a great time to get married if you’re hooking up with your high school sweetheart or something but, quite frankly, (and I know this may piss some people off) you really don’t know who you are at that age. I’d say you could start a relationship then and see where it goes but I would want to put a good four or five years between getting together and tying the knot.
I know a great many people who got married young and are in the stages of separation and divorce. The number one reason? They were “different” people when they met. They were different because they were too young to know who they were, too young to know what they needed - in life and in a partner. In your twenties, you’re just getting a sense of who you are, what you dig and what kind of life you’d like to lead. In lieu of a depth of life experience, you’re mostly working with second hand “ideas” and “ideals” of what matters, where you want to go, etc. Ideas and ideals that will, invariably, be tested against the realities of life and discoveries about who you really are and what really matters to you. Knowledge that can only come with time and experience. Again, you really don’t have much wisdom in your 20s. That’s a time of exploration, learning and disovery.
I don’t feel I really started to know myself - in a truthful, honest and meaningful way - until I hit 30. Your personality and knowledge base begins to stabilize in profound ways when you reach your 30s. So when you meet another person who is also in this age group, chances are, they’ve been in a few relationships already, learned things and discovered what they do and do not want - for better and for worse. At least they know. Especially men. A young guy may not have the confidence to admit what he really wants. And he may just tell you what he thinks you need to hear, rather than exploring what really matters to him. Meet that same guy five to ten years later and that’s when he has the confidence and self-awareness to say what he can and cannot offer (based on his own experiences sacrificing or enjoying particular experiences in the journey to self realisation).
I say, wait a while. Don’t let somebody else (or society) do your thinking for you. Marriage and family are profound life choices - that can lead to years of joy (or misery) depending on whether you have made those choices in an examined and personally meaningful way.
Jun 26th, 2006 at 7:08 am | #
M word
Its not like its going to eat you alive and screw you so bad you wont be able to tell the end from the begining. Its not something which you need to be so scared of, or so apprehensive about that you are unable to tell what it actually is, or what form it can take.
So my first point is call a marriage a marriage not some M word.
Then, there are millions of men and women who make marriages work. There is nothing which makes them more capable than you.
Third, people change. Their earning capacities change, Their needs change. They become fat or become more attractive with time. They make friends and lose friends. Their sense of what they are vis a vis the society changes. Changes happen in all aspects of life all the time. To say that you know yourself better or what you want is a complete lie. Your sense of awareness is as transitory as when you were 5 years old.
Four: I see no reason why Fitness should come after a bank balance, for you may not enjoy shopping more than sex
Five: There are no ideal people but there are ideal relationships
Six: Much of what I say is trash. Attribute it to none, and attach no importance to it.
Finally, its more difficult for guys to find girls than it is the other way round, as that is the only logic which can stand to the reason of demand and supply.
Jun 26th, 2006 at 7:50 am | #
Whoa thread still alive.
Anyway, Sakshi, I can understand, I am a guy (and a Sindhi one at that) going through the same. Sigghsss. And I took too many pangas with my mom, she wants to get back at me by getting me married. And plus she knows about my beer drinking and wants to stop it.
See how bad it is for us. I want a partner who is okay with beer and would infact join me sometimes. How.. How.. How on earth do I ask the family or the girl - Do you like beer. They would kick me all right. But if I dont, I kick myself for losing the freedom.
And Sakshi, you say girls lose their freedom, what about guys. Bad bad world
No more late night parties, no hanging out with friends, and worst of all, watching the K soaps on TV. Come on, be fair 
Jun 27th, 2006 at 4:16 pm | #
Very nicely said Sakshi. I came upon this today. I wrote something similar on my blog a couple of days back and had a number of people debate on the topic. Am linking your post to mine. Take care.
Jul 20th, 2006 at 6:09 am | #
“Don’t go for a disco going type of boy, first see how much money he has in his pocketâ€.
Hey he must be the same Marriage broker, you know from your cousins wedding that took place in Indore. He must have seen you dance. So I guess what he meant to say was “No Mithun Chakraborty for you girl”. lol
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