These days the ‘M’ word is being used most often in my house. Now the ‘M’ here stands for ‘Marriage’, a word I am not too fond off. Being 26 years old, I do understand my mum’s worries and her wish to see me settled in life… but it’s just that I feel if you are not ready, then it’s not worth jumping into a lifelong commitment such as this.
It wouldn’t be wrong to say that tradition is very strong in our Indian society and it dictates many aspects of our lives. In India, regardless of religious differences, caste, class or regional location, tradition makes particular demands on the way women live their lives - from the clothes that they can wear and their mobility to the kind of jobs they can take up. I remember when I was leaving for further studies to Australia, my whole family was fine with my decision….but just at the last moment my mum started having second thoughts about sending me away from home at the “tender age” of 16. This momentary hesitation was less of her making and more of what her friends said. It’s another thing that I was able to get her to let go of her fears, but that was just one instance when I realized the hold society can have on an individual.
Just couple of days back I had this ‘gentleman’ come home, for whom my mum especially asked me to take half-day from work. He was a marriage broker: A man who specializes in fixing Punjabi and Sindhi marriages. An old man, around 55 years, not very fluent in English, but I have to admit, updated with today’s arranged marriage trends.
He started of asking me what sort of guy I am looking for - who would qualify as an ‘ideal’ husband in my book. As he was the last person I would discuss this topic with, I kept avoiding his questions with a smile, trying very hard not to be rude.
Another thing which I am sure many are aware of is the importance given to another ‘M’ word especially among the North Indians. Giving ‘marriage’ company is the ‘money’ factor. “Don’t go for a disco-going type of boy; first see how much money he has in his pocket”. He further went on to explain the alphabet of bride/groom hunting, even if, he informed me, we cannot have all the factors working in our favor.
A - Abilities (profession/business, is he a good cook, etc.)
B - Bank balance (self explanatory)
C - Character (attitude, behavior, etc.)
D - Domestic (family, social standing)
E - Education (didn’t matter, as long as the money is good)
F - Fitness (Physical appearance)
I am not too sure what really upset me about this meeting. Now I agree money is important, but I wouldn’t let it dominate and take priority over my choice of a soul mate. Nor would I go about finding my soul mate checklist in hand.
Some of my relatives think that my overseas education has made me ‘fussy’ and ‘choosey’, but I am sure that there are many… many young women out there who feel the same way as I do. Maybe I am influenced by the advantages of modern life. Education, jobs, friends, and money are increasingly changing the image that women have of themselves. Maybe I am just one of those many young women who have aspirations that do not fit in with the traditional feminine roles of wife and mother. But must I face an identity crisis on account of this?
As women, we have to undergo many changes after marriage. Our name, our home, new people and environment and often, a profession to give up. I sometimes wonder why most men have ‘stag nights’ or ‘bachelor’s night’ before their weddings and crib that marriage binds them down and takes away their independence. Especially since women are the ones who are expected to change our whole identity overnight.
All I know is that as women we should try our best to not get caught in the web of familial expectations imposed in part by tradition, in part by societal pressure. We need to change the social environment that conditions women to think of themselves as reproductive beings, because in the long run, this will only stifle their individual personalities.
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