Hypocrisy surrounding ‘Virginity’
This is sad but true, in India even today, ‘Virginity some-what seems to be directly proportional to ones character’. You and I may completely dis-agree with the above statement, however if not all most of people are in sync with this thought.
On one side we have some women who consider their virginity as some sort of a ‘treasure box’, whose key they are saving for their prince charming aka their future husband. And on the other side we the men, who simply can’t wait to get rid off their virginity tag (no waiting till Suhaag Raat for them). Some of these very men are so bloody keen to marry a bride who has an intact hymen. The Indian mentality completely stinks on the topic of ‘Virginity’. Women who loose their virgin status before marriage are labeled as ‘whores’, ’sluts’ and all sorts of deeming/insulting names one could think off. Whereas for the men, it’s more of a ‘counting numbers’ game. The more they get in bed, the more they are regarded as ‘casanovas’, ‘hot property’ and ‘eligible bachelors’.
This makes me wonder why even in the 21st century there is so much hypocrisy and double standards surrounding ‘physical intimacy’. After all, what virginity has to do with character? Why can’t we take physical intimacy just as the way it is?
While browsing the net, I came across this very interesting article written by an 18 year old named ‘Prerona Prasad’. In this article she has brilliantly reasoned the concept of virginity as an outdated idea.
Here are her words….
Virgin wool, virgin oil, virgin forests-ever wonder why these terms evoke images of purity in our minds? It is because the meaning of the word ‘virgin’ is ‘pure’. Although it is very easy to distinguish between the pure and the impure as far as objects and commodities are concerned, how far is it justified to apply the same principles of judgment to human beings? Does being a virgin lead us towards becoming higher, purer life forms? Or, does being sexually experienced bar one from leading a moral and wholesome life? In short, can virginity, in human beings, be linked with purity?
Several years ago, when I first came to understand this word, I took it for granted that, sexually, I was this hallowed, undefiled creature. I soon joined the ranks of my similarly ‘pure’ friends and looked down upon those lesser mortals who had given in to their carnal desires and had thereby fallen from grace. Couldn’t they have waited until they were securely ensconced in their marital homes before experimenting with sex? They were all sex-crazed and had lost something valuable due to their immoral impatience. Right? Wrong.
Thankfully, with the passing of the years (a few short ones), some wisdom finally dawned on me. How silly it was to put such a premium on tissue! Did anyone have the right to question my virtue on the basis of a rather flimsy membrane? Does the indicator of my purity lie between my legs or is it between my ears? What on earth does virginity have to do with purity, anyway? It is frightening to think that I could probably be the worst backstabber or dog-kicker on the face of the planet and still be considered virtuous and decent on account of my being a virgin. However, in the same crazy world my not being a virgin would probably justify my being kicked out of my husband’s home or being hit upon by a mob of vulgar romeos even if I were a benevolent and meek person.
Thus, the only thing that justifies sexual relations in such a society is marriage. All of a sudden it’s okay to not be a virgin. What, for an unmarried woman, is supposed to be a loss of virtue is accepted as a natural part of life for her married counterpart. In effect, a social concept like marriage is supposed to determine the right time to exercise a natural and highly individual concept like sexuality.
It wasn’t too long afterwards that I realised what virginity meant to members of the opposite sex. Just as girls are under a great deal of pressure to keep their pants on, boys are under a lot of stress to take theirs off! A highly personal decision is often turned into a race to see who has ‘had’ the highest number of sexual encounters. While for a girl, her femininity lies in abstaining from sex, a boy’s masculinity is challenged if he prefers not to get sexually involved. I’ve often wondered how boys can brag about having ‘had’ dozens of girls while all of us are safely sitting at home like epitomes of chastity!
It’s easy to be flippant but there is a darker side to all of this. If boys are pressurised into discussing sexual exploits, they’re either risking their lives in the arms of sex workers or are taking on tremendous feelings of guilt and inadequacy by fabricating tales of sexual conquests. Thus, the pressures of both, keeping one’s virginity and losing it, have disastrous effects on our minds and bodies. Wouldn’t it be better then, to get rid of this artificial concept of virginity altogether?
Lastly, in an in-depth discussion on virginity in a large group, child sexual abuse was an issue that no one could tackle with our preconceived notions of virginity. Technically, a child who has been raped is not a virgin. Is it fair to say that this child has lost a virtue? Is it justifiable to put a label on this child when we all know the societal connotations being a non-virgin has? The same goes for grown women who are also victims of rape. It’s bad enough to go through the mental trauma of this heinous crime without the added burden of the loss of virginity. It is incredibly hard for a young woman to hold her head high when all of society thinks that she is soiled in some way. “Who’ll marry her?” is a common question asked by grieving parents as it’s common knowledge that most people wouldn’t accept their daughter, “secondhand”. What can a bewildered girl do when her waning self-esteem is sent crashing down due to society’s harsh stand on virginity.
Somewhere along the line, we must distinguish between damaged goods and human beings. The basis of humanity is that human beings must not be treated like objects. Virginity is totally acceptable with regard to forests, oils or wool, but when the term is applied to human beings, it is an affront to the rights of an individual. To take the word virgin out of one’s vocabulary is to come one step closer to accepting the concept of fundamental liberties of all human beings. Which concept would you rather subscribe to?
As far as I am concerned I will say that I believe that someone’s sex life should be dictated by them and that what is right or wrong should be determined by an individual not the majority or a minority of people. It’s high time we take sex as a natural need instead a yardstick to measure one’s character. It’s important to understand that sex isn’t simply about penetration, just as being a virgin shouldn’t define you as a person. Quite simply, it can mean as much or as little to your life as you like.
We all have a right to express our views. In many instances; it will be against ours and in some; with us. To hear them out is 'decency' but to let them get to you is 'weakness'. 
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wanting to scream out loud, hoping that so-called “TV gurus†would hear our plead one day. This entry was posted on Friday, October 28th, 2005 at 9:02 am and is filed under Lists, Humor, India. You can follow any responses to this entry through theRSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. 46 Responses to “The old “idiot†box…†sowmya Says: October 28th, 2005 at 12:08 pm First time here. Your post took me through a nostalgic journey down DD lane. Indeed the
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Comments
16 comments | Leave your comment
Nov 15th, 2005 at 10:24 am | #
Hey sakshi,
Thats a very thought provoking, article which you have written. I know you are not the only lady in India who thinks, it is gross injustice on the part of the people to categorise men and derogate women in terms of the same behaviour. However, on pondering over your article, I feel there may be a reason for this. Indian Women have a tough act to follow, i.e., to idolize or take into consideration the sacrifices made by Sita, Sati Savitri, Parvati, etc. They were the great women of India and whatever they did in their possible manner meant that the Indian women had to follow their act, which is and was extremely difficult. So you have a predecessor who has set the highest standards for moral standing and self control and moral behaviour. So indian women till time immortal would be compared with this role models. At the same time, it is important that men too follow the example of Ram ( A Virtuous Person, a ideal son, husband, father and king) and Krishna (A Person who put the role of Karma before anything else), men cannot absolve themselves, from their responsibilities. I, personally, have always tried to maintain the highest moral standards for myself. I, at the age of 23, have managed to abstain myself from the addiction of smoking, drinking and for maintaining high moral standing, have maintained my virginity (inspite of having a fairly good personality). I cannot educate the entire youth or the young men to follow such example, but I definitely feel that if Women are able to maintain high moral standards, till they are married, then the men automatically would follow. Women have a strong power to create what men are eventually. You see sex and virginity is not the responsibility of one side alone.
Any ways, I loved your site and the way you maintained it. I would like to know how you do it. I have started a blog and am maintaining it since the last few months, so i really like to know how you managed to pull out such a delightful site.
I need some good suggestions and little bit of help, if you can provide with the same.
My blog is http://lihdduniya.blogspot.com
I would also like to invite you to my other blog http://socialcause.blogspot.com, a blog concerning our social responsibilities and duties. Check it out and leave ur comments. They are most welcome.
Till Then,
Take Care
Bye,
Nov 15th, 2005 at 12:43 pm | #
treasure box? yikes - please tell me ppl don’t really call it that! also very well written piece by prerona. you know what I find amusing about the whole thing - how it’s reinforced by indian movies. sure there are films like salaam namasthe but how often do they come out. otherwise most of the women who are openly sexual are the vamps… even in murdera remake of unfaithful there had to be a reason for mallika’s character to cheat on her husband - it would have been unacceptable for her to have had a fling just coz she fancied the guy (tho who fancy emraan whats his name is beyond me :))
Nov 15th, 2005 at 3:45 pm | #
Yet another bold post from the Mumbai gal!
I agree that men are made that way. They are supremely wrong, but that is the way most men are!
Our society is now undergoing a huge transformation, thanks to westernisation (which provides many avenues of liberalisation). Maybe, this will be a non-issue in the years to come.
Nov 15th, 2005 at 8:28 pm | #
Awesome post.
As human beings, we all have basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, sex.
Yes, sex is a basic need. We all have urges, and anyone denying that fact is lying.
Women are programmed “not to like sex” for the fear of coming across as slutty while men are deemed as casanovas, playboys and bonds based on their encounters. Society Programming at its best.
Women love sex as much as men do. If you have any doubts about that, read My Secret Garden By Nancy Friday. It will blow your mind.
Some may argue thats just American ‘culture’, but the fact of the matter is, women are same all over the world, more or less depending how far their culture allows them to go, so to speak, and that is society programming - which forces you to act a certain way.
It teaches you to follow rather than being able to truly express yourself while still being thoughtful.
Nov 16th, 2005 at 2:49 pm | #
Sakshi, a thought-provoking article with some great inputs got in from Prerona Prasad. Amazing piece of work there. And I think one sentence which stands out in this whole piece has been really well-defined.
“It’s high time we take sex as a natural need instead a yardstick to measure one’s character.”
We continue to look forward to such more thoughts.
Nov 16th, 2005 at 7:50 pm | #
Eating : Natural. Drinking : Natural. Sleeping : Natural. Shitting : Natural. Abstinence : Unnatural.
Nov 17th, 2005 at 11:39 am | #
Treasure box? I have heard “deflower” and that itself sounds disgusting. Such is the hypocrisy, that people have started undergoing surgery to fix their hymen after it has been “destroyed”. SAD.
A recent study conducted revealed that Indians lose virginity at the average age of 19.8 (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-1292919,curpg-1.cms). Also, Indians still frown at both extramarital and pre-marital sex. They have the fewest sexual partners.
Do I believe this? Of course NOT! This study also goes to show that most Indians are liars. Don’t get me wrong…I am proud to be an Indian but I just think Indians have a tendency to “hide’ things and not “reveal” their feelings due to “societal” pressures. But things are changing…people are not as scandalized by live-in relationships now, as they were earlier…
Nov 17th, 2005 at 5:15 pm | #
Very interesting post Sakshi. Coincidentally, I came here after posting something related on my blog, although fictional. In this aspect, I will we are going backwards rather than progressing -if any of you have been following the malicious attacks on Tamil actress Khushboo for her alleged defamation of Tamilian women and their “chastity”, you will know what I mean.
Nov 19th, 2005 at 7:26 am | #
i guess we Indians are still evloving in the way we address the issue of sex. Virginity and for that matter a lot of similar deeply ingrained notions/customs rule becuase that is what has been fed to young minds. (Eg. Soap - horror #links). The sad fact is this feeding still continues.
One aspect of the whole issue is relations that are so dear in Indian mindsets. They are often based on (at least their strength) is often tested by the extent people value virginity, monogamy.
Feb 1st, 2006 at 2:44 pm | #
Your article is very profound. The same standards apply in America too. If boys are suppose to tally how many girls they sleep with. And girls are suppose to remain virgins. Who are the boys going after? The same girls they prey on before and during sex magically become discarded “sluts” when everything’s done. I don’t like words like “whore” and “slut” because they have no merit. Those “sluts” keep single males “acceptable, manly, experienced, and surprisingly eligible for a ‘pure’ virgin.”. After all of the male debauchery with these “sluts” why would a virign want a husband like this? Who he is being virtous to?
Sep 29th, 2006 at 7:32 pm | #
I am 25 years old. I have never lived in India, but in the west. I am still a virgin, and will remain so until I get married - if I get married. If I can do it, how come Indians in India are loosing theirs at 19.8 years?
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